My Surrender/Fears Box Post

I received a phone call from the sweetest friend, Amy Dott. She told me about how she has a special surrender box in her closet. When she has something that is really worrying her and she can do nothing about it, she realizes that she must surrender the problem to the Lord. So, she writes it down on a piece of paper, puts it in the box, shuts the lid, then puts it on a high shelf--out of her reach and a little closer to heaven.

It has been 13 days since the earthquake hit Port au Prince. And when I opened up "my yahoo homepage", I was shocked to see that Haiti was no where in the news headlines. I know that people haven't forgotten so quickly, but it was still strange to me because I am still so consumed. Chancho is worried that I am obsessed and that my worries will begin to affect my health. I am trying not to be. I am trying to focus on the positives. I have decided that maybe if I write down some of the worries that are consuming me and surrender them to the Lord, then I will be able to feel a little better.

I am very angry with myself when I start allowing my inner turmoil about Haiti overcome me. I don't know how to explain it. When I think, "I am so sad," "I am so upset by this," "Oh this worries me so much," it kind of makes me sick at myself. Because this is not about ME or MY feelings. I want to say to myself, "So what?! Who cares? Don't you know what is going on in Haiti? Who cares that you feel sad or upset? How dare you waste your energies pitying yourself in this situation?! This is not about you and going around acting mopey is completely selfish! How dare you even think of drawing attention to yourself by being sad when all energies and thoughts and prayers should go to Haiti...not to you! Don't try to act like this is your tragedy. Stand up and be strong and get over yourself."

Then on the contrary, when I do stop thinking about Haiti and focus on something else, there is this voice that says, "How dare you be all happy about things? Don't you know what suffering is going on? Are you thinking about something else besides Haiti right now? How dare you! Don't you know that you must be praying ever single spare second for those you love who are suffering and whose whereabouts are unknown? Don't just go read a book or watch a regular TV show! You must worry about this 24/7!"

And then...my favorite scripture comes to me...as it has TIME AND TIME AGAIN. I don't know why I can't just learn this lesson once. I realize that what I am struggling with the most is FEAR. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

When I remember this scripture, things clear up a bit. And with Amy Dott's surrender box in mind, I am going to write these things down to put into my own box, but it will be a "FEARS" box. Fear does me no good and doesn't come from God. There will always be times of grief and weeping, but I do not want to be consumed with fear. I want to be full of power and love and I want my mind to be sound. So...here are some of the fears that are plaguing me...

Heavenly Father, Today is Gardy's birthday. He was kidnapped on 6 Dec 2009. He spent his 3rd birthday with the people who stole him away from his family and still will not return him. Did they comfort him during the horrific quake and aftershocks? Are they taking care of him? When will he be home with his family? I tried to get the Marines to go in after him but the commander won't return my messages. Is there anything else I can do? If there is, please let me know. It looks like Little Miss Jess might not be coming home with her little brother to her loving parents. I don't understand why. How is it that your will is not the same as her parents in this? It seems so so wrong. Please help us to maintain hope and faith but also to surrender that which is out of our control and not to be full of fear.

I can't find Vivianne or her two baby girls. I have been trying. Her phone won't answer. Maybe it was just lost. Or maybe she made it out to the country side. My friend Nisthone has her photos and went to Delmas 33 to try to find her. Today he emailed "I begin to looking for her since this morning and I have some information. I would to confirm before." In the past 13 days, whenever somebody has told me that they have some info about a person but want to confirm it before they tell me...they think the person is dead. So, I feel scared. I've got to surrender to you on this one.We have been able to account for less than 40 of our 133 Haitian Roots children. Of those 40, we believe 5 of them are dead. I can't explain the love that I have for these children. Isson called last night and said that Harry believes that probably 60-70% of the children that he coordinates are dead. But he cannot confirm any of it right now because his plate is not only full to overflowing, but basically his plate is cracked and he is using every ounce of strength to keep what he can on that plate. When I see the faces of these children in my mind, the ugly tentacles of fear grip and claw at my heart. I surrender my fears to you, Dear God, and continue to pray...but with power and love and a sound mind.