16 Days Old

My baby is now 16 days old. He is doing so well. But he is not home. I am trying to focus on all of the great things. He is gaining weight extremely well. He gained 14 ounces in his first 2 weeks! Also, he continues to breathe fine on his own and hold his own body temp. The "developmentalist" says that all of his reflexes are normal and that he is doing very well for his age. He just needs to have the desire to eat. Apparently hunger is something that develops in the human brain somewhere between 34 and 37 weeks gestational age. The doctors tell me that at some point it will pretty much just "turn on" and he will begin to root around and get fussy when he's hungry and that will help him make an effort to eat. We've been seeing signs of that the past couple of days.

In the mornings I go up and spend several hours just holding my baby against my chest. After Chancho gets home from work we go back to the hospital. We are so lucky to have a good NICU only 10 minutes away from home. Our evening visits have been really fun the past few nights because Finn has been wide awake. Chancho makes a silly noise with his teeth and Finn smiles. I am not kidding. I know you (and I would say it to anybody else) would say that it is complete coincidence, but it has been the past 3 nights and only when he makes that funny sound. I HAVE to get a picture of it. Anyway, Chancho is pretty darned in love with our baby, too. When its his turn to hold him he says, "Come on, time for some man time."

(check out those huge hands Finn has! haha)

I wish I had a good camera. But still, I love these photos. I think Finn is either practicing his actions to give in a political speech or he is dancing to some Bob Marley.From his personality so far, we can see that Finn is very mild mannered. (Okay just a quick reminder for those of you that I have confused, I use codenames on our blog because my husband insists, so baby's code name is Finn. His real name is Miles Phineas but I'm not allowed to say that any more). Anyway, Finn is so sweet. He really never cries. Last night he was really gassy and he would make some sad struggling sounds but he has really won over the nurses because he is just sweet as can be, whereas some of his neighbors in the nursery are extremely loud!

I feel more and more in love with my child every day and he becomes more and more beautiful to me. I know I shouldn't have, but I really kind of set it in my mind that he would only be in the hospital for 2 weeks, so once it hit last Sunday I felt really bummed out. But all is well. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers on his behalf.

Meg asked for more video clips. I wish they didn't take so long to upload! I don't know if anybody else cares to see them, but I know my sisters will. And, also, I stay up at night and watch them over and over.

Preschool Pics

This year Loumy and Deedle's preschool did the coolest thing. They offered class and individual photos but there was nothing to pay for upfront and then the photographer put them on her blog and is letting us order what we'd like. She has some packages and also lets you just order a few things ala carte. These pics are cute but I do already have a personal photographer who is fantabulous--that would be my sister Amy. She took the photos of Finn on his first day. I plan to have her take lots of photos of baby and the rest of the kids when he gets out of the hospital, so I probably won't buy any of these. Also, I'm afraid that Deedle looks way too washed out with a white background. But they are still cute and I thought I'd share.

Nine Days

Here is a quick run down of your first nine days of life, dear little Miles Phineas!

Day 1 ~ I am surprised in the recovery room just minutes after giving birth when Dad, nurse Rod, and you drop by for a quick visit before heading to live in the NICU.
Day 3 ~ The 11th IV finally decides to stay in good condition. Thank heavens! I hated seeing them poking you again every couple of hours. You were so brave. You never cried, just whimpered a little.
Day 6 ~ The Grandparents (who didn't deliver you) get to hold you for the first time. Also, IV is removed in the evening because you are tolerating your feedings (through tube) so well. You start wearing little preemie clothes. So cute! Your grandparents think you are an angel.Day 7 ~ You are moved from an isolette to an open air bassinet because you hold your temperature so well. Another step forward. Yeah!
Day 9 ~ Dear sweet baby, You now weigh 3 lbs 14 oz. We were told that you would probably lose weight the first 5-7 days but you did not, you just slowly gained. We are so happy about that. You have made steady progress. Now we have plateaued a bit and are just waiting for you to mature and figure out how to eat. Right now your little brain doesn't even tell you that you are hungry. You should still be in my tummy just getting food through an umbilical chord and growing. We are praying that soon you will figure all that out so that you can come home. It breaks my heart every time I have to leave you. I am very lucky because I get to see you twice per day and in the mornings I get to just snuggle with your for several hours. It is heavenly. And I also feel so lucky that when I do have to leave you, I am leaving you in a good place where you are constantly monitored and offered amazing care. It was very horrifying having to leave your older brother in an orphanage each time I visited him before I could bring him home! So, I do feel very lucky that I know you are safe when I am not with you. But it is still hard. I try not to be a baby but I have all kinds of hormones going crazy anyway, so I blame all my crying on that. I love you and I miss you when I am not with you. We hope and pray that you will be able to come home soon! Love, Mom

What the Others are Doing

The past 12 days have been quite chaotic and focused mostly around the newest addition to our family. The others are all doing well and taking this mostly in stride, although I've seen a lot more anger and tantrum-y behavior than usual. All to be expected. Life goes on.

Yesterday I came up the stairs and saw this.
"Why are you wearing that outfit, Loumy?"
"We're playing like we're sisters."Deedle received this lovely black eye after she charged into String Cheese's room and clawed her arm and face for "not being nice". SC decided to retaliate by "messing up" Deedle's bed. But Deedle tried not to allow so SC shoved her out of the way--and into the bed post.

I think that SC has had the most difficult time with everything. She has always struggled with any kind of change and needed a little more time to adjust. She has had a lot of "tummy aches" and her clothes aren't fitting right or just don't "feel right". Sure signs of stress in her life. She has been very sad not to be able to see the baby. They won't allow children inside the rooms of the NICU at all. She can come into the main NICU and look through the window but Finn is in a corner and all of his wires don't allow me to bring him close enough for much of a look.
SC has been asking for quite some time to be able to e-mail her beau, Bryan. I let her do that yesterday. I hope she isn't sad with me in the future for saving these, but they are too awesome.
To Bryan:

Dear Bryan, I LOVE YOU !!! SO SO SO SO much!!!!!!! DO YOU LOVE ME CUS YOUR 1# !!! It is graet to talk to you. Cus I do not have so much people to talk to. Love, Grace P. S. Your very nice!!!

Reply to SC:
DEAR Grace i do love you
and i'm praying for your little brother to

be beter p.s. you look cute as a prncsse p.s.s


tell Adde that barry iove's her.fromBRYANtoGRACE iloveyou.

Re: RE to Bryan:

Thank you! So so muchAnd I love you. Your nice as a prince! We mach! WOW! Love, Grace TO Bryan!

Deedle didn't like missing out on all the e-mailing, so I allowed her to write an e-mail, as well. She chose to e-mail her new baby brother in the hospital. She stuck to words she knows how to spell and doesn't know abou the spacebar yet:

Tobabymilesfromaddiecatkidstomomandbabyiam5yarnpenowleat

Soldier Boy

The Prophet Joseph Smith said: “Hell may pour forth its rage like the burning lava of Mount Vesuvius, or of Etna, or of the most terrible of the burning mountains; and yet shall (we stand); and by Him we shall remain, if it shall be for our glory; and in His Almighty name we are determined to endure tribulation as good soldiers unto the end."

In Latin, the name Miles means "Soldier". I know that all of my children need to be good soldiers in the battles they will face in their life. I just had no idea that Miles would literally need to be a soldier from the get-go. It is difficult to see our little children having to fight so hard. I want to say, "Just rest, I will happily fight this for you!" That is the look I saw in my own mother's eyes as she sat, fasting, at my bedside in the hospital for over 36 hours last weekend.

Regrettably we each need our own trials to soldier-up to so that we can grow and become strong. And, thank heavens, we are not left alone nor are our children. My sister Kathy sent me this quote from one of my favorite apostles, Elder Holland, yesterday. It filled my eyes with tears and my heart with faith.

"I ask everyone within the sound of my voice to take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He 'would fight [our] battles, [our] children's battles, and [the battles of our] children's children' (D&C 98:37; emphasis added). And what do we do to merit such a defense? We are to 'search diligently, pray always, and be believing. [Then] all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted' (D&C 90:24). The latter days are not a time to fear and tremble. They are a time to be believing and remember our covenants."

I am so grateful to be reminded that as we are faithful, we are not alone in our battles but that the Lord will actually fight them with us and, especially, "our children's battles". I know that my little soldier boy, Miles, is not alone. And I know that he will continue to fight and will conquer this current battle he is in.

Come home and rest soon, little soldier boy!

another little video

Meet Miles Phineas!!!

I am too exhausted to write all of the details I would like to share right now, but had to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your love and prayers that you have sent and are sending towards me and my new precious son. He arrived today, March 15, 2009, at 5:22 am. He weighs 3 pounds, 8 ounces. I am completely exhausted emotionally and physically but could not be more blessed. I have felt such peace and comfort from my Heavenly Father as well as have seen miracles. A few quick things that I should mention:

After an entire 24 hours of induction with out ever even actually entering labor (I never got past 2 cms), we finally decided that at 10:30pm, if I hadn't progressed, I would have a c-section. I know many, many of you have had c-sections and everything has been just fine. I was perfectly willing to do that if it was the best thing for the baby. But Guy (and the Lord) knowing my health issues and the difficulty it would pose, preferred me to have an easy delivery instead. At 10pm the NICU came in and said they were ready for us. Chancho was given his surgical clothes to put on. I was prepped for the c-section. Guy checked me one last time "just in case". I had progressed to a 3. The c-section was delayed and they were able to insert a tube to give Miles fluid, which he immediately responded to and was calmly able to continue with actual labor.

As of 4:00am I hadn't progressed past 4cm. Again it was decided that if we didn't have any progress in the next hour, we would go forward with the c-section. At 4:30 my epidural was wearing off and I was in a lot of pain. The nurse checked me and I was dialated to a 5. 20 minutes later I was calling in the nurse again telling her that I really needed the anesthesiologist to come in because I was in a really huge amount of pain. She checked me and I had progressed to a 10! Things happened very quickly and before I knew it we were in the operating room next to the NICU. I pushed only 3 times through one contraction and my baby was here. I couldn't believe how tiny he was and he made no sounds and of coures I was crying from nerves, and exhaustion but I had received a high dose of pain meds and it kicked in right before it was time to push.d a high dose of pain meds and it kicked in right before it was time to push.

Miles was whisked off to the adjoining room and I didn't hear much of anything. But just a few minutes later Chancho came in all smiles to quickly tell me that baby was breathing on his own! He then went back in and left me with Guy to finish up the delivery stuff. I was then wheeled to a recovery room and within a few minutes, I was crying in disbelief as Chancho and a NICU nurse wheeled Miles Finn into let me hug and kiss for a moment before taking him to his incubator in NICU. I couldn't even believe it. He was smaller than one of the girls' little dolls! But he was breathing and his heart was fine!

Anyway, of course I wish that I could be with him every minute and we are still being told that he will probably lose weight and then need time to gain it, that he could be here for 4 weeks or more, etc. But how could I feel the least bit upset about anything? How ungrateful I would be. I honestly just feel a total cloud of the Spirit surrounding me and my testimony of the power of prayer has been strengthened immensely (again). I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and for family and friends and the power of prayer and the power of love that connects us, no matter what kind of background we come from. So, please know how immensely grateful I am this night. THANK YOU!!!

Amy came and took these photos for me (and probably 90 more but these are what she e-mailed for now). Thank you, dear sister. Even having these photos of my tiny little sweetest sweetness is a miracle.

Hello from the Hospital

Those of you who know that I am in the hospital will be surprised, and delighted I'm sure (ha) to have a post from me. I am surprised and delighted that they have wifi since they only have a vcr and no dvd player in the room. Anywho, C brought me his laptop and I will now proceed to blog.

This morning I came to see the perinatalogist. Dr. Andres is the head of some dept here (I think all neonatalogy) and he saw me. First an ultrasound was done and I was hoping we would see more fluid. But there was none. I asked if she could give me a number since I'm all amniotic-fluid savvy now about how many cm mean what (8-20 good,4 not good which is what I was at before). Well, she said, "uuhh...maybe .8" "8? or point 8?" I ask incredulously. That would be POINT. So they put me on a non-stress test. Things looked okay with Finn's heart. Not fantastic but pretty good. I asked about the steroids and if they thought they were a good idea and the nurse did give me some betamethazone in my rear. I thought all was still okay and I would be going home to rest some more. But Dr. Andres came in to talk to me and told me a different story. One reason that Guy really likes Dr. Andres is that he does not overreact and is very conservative and careful with his recommendations. So, when he told me that I needed to be admitted to the hospital right then and that rather than waiting the normal 24 hours for the next betamethazone shot, we would only wait 12 before inducing the baby, I was in a bit of shock.

He actually let me leave to come home and get things a little more together. Luckily C was already with me at the appt. We went and got SC from school. Of course today was the last day of the book fair, so we had to go to the lunchroom and buy the promised books before going to the hospital. We bought two Star Wars books for Loumy to help get him excited to read more and boy did it work. He told every nurse here about them--a couple of times. We also went to get some lunch at Chiles as a family since I knew I wouldn't be eating once I arrived at the hospital. I couldn't really eat for the nervous stomach but managed.

Anywho...I was quite a mess when I arrived. I tried to be calm but my blood pressure was way up and my pulse was about 120 for quite awhile. But once I was actually admitted and hooked up to the monitors and everything, I calmed down a lot and began to focus more on all of the blessings of having a baby in this day and age. I have now been here for about 10 hours. The kids bored quickly and C took them to sleep over at his parents house. About 3 hours ago I "received" some medicine called something like cervidel that is supposed to do stuff to my cervix. My sisters, Amy and Kathy were here. Then I got a call that came from my brother's house.
Me: blah blah blah...everything that happened, is happening...blah blah blah...my amniotic fluid, my cervix, blah blah blah
Kathy: why is she talking to Chris about her cervix? he doesn't want to hear that!
Amy: i know. gross.
Me: i'm not talking to chris, duh. i'm talking to priscilla and she adores my cervix.

I received the second steroid shot just minutes ago. It is now 12:15am on the 14th. My little son will be born today. I know tons of people are praying for us. Chancho and my dad gave me a very wonderful blessing. I've received nice calls and text messages (which Chancho reminds me cost us .15 cents each and I remind him to 'shut it'. j/k)

So, anywho, I feel quite calm at the moment. I have a headache, probably from stress and high blood pressure, but other than that I am quite physically comfortable. Now it is just time for me to wait and try to maybe get some sleep. ??? There are many things to worry about. So many unknowns. I will write a few of them down and try to leave them down:
*will Finn tolerate the pitocin?
* will I need a c-section?
*how will i be able to handle seeing my baby immediately whisked off to NICU rather than just being cleaned off and then handed all snuggly and new to me.
* will these steroids help his lungs? will he need to be on a respirator? will he be able to eat at all? will he need a feeding tube? will i be able to pump okay so he can eventually breastfeed? will his kidneys be okay? will his heart be okay? will he have to stay here for weeks and weeks? how will i be able to go home and have to leave him here? will i be able to hold him? and more...

When feeling an excess of worry, I have thought about two super super superficial things that make me feel happy. You will probably all think less of me for these two thoughts that have brought me comfort:
1. I weigh 30 pounds less right now than I did when SC was born. Yippee! So much less weight to lose!
2. When I leave I get to go buy new little baby preemie clothes! Have you seen those? Pretty much anything in preemie size is soooo cute. And I will buy whatever the heck I like because if you think that an extra few outfits on top of these NICU bills are going to be a drop in the bucket...well...anyway, I'm shopping for preemie clothes and it will be fun!

The other bigger blessings that I will now focus on the things that bring me peace:
* holy cow, what a miracle to live today. if i was my grandma or even my mom, baby and possibly me would both have just been dead.
* pain medicine!
* i am surrounded by really great drs and nurses. i am so lucky.
* i will see my baby tomorrow
* a tender mercy--the labor and delivery was super crazy this afternoon for some reason. when i got here they were cleaning the only room that had just become available for me. #9. thank you aunt joan.
*my son will survive. he will.

Peace out.

Update

Well, I feel like I should write an update for journaling purposes. Things are going okay. I am so lucky to have Guy taking care of me. I know I would be a nervous wreck otherwise. For example, from Saturday evening on I didn't feel the baby move at all. In the morning I was all wishy-washy like, "C, should I call your Dad? I don't want to be paranoid." But then of course I did call him and he told me to drink some cold OJ and see if that got baby going and if not to let him know. By 1:00 I still felt no movement so I texted Guy and he immediately came and picked my up and took me to the office. Everything was the same and baby's heart looked fine. I felt a little dumb for panicking but Guy made me feel like it was no big deal at all and that we definitely have to be extra cautious with this baby. He told me that women come in all of the time just because they have a bad feeling or whatever and everything is usually fine. He added, "It is fine with me for them to come anytime. However, I don't usually ever leave church to pick them up and take them to my office myself." So, I am lucky that way. With anybody else, I would be so worried about when I could call and how I would be treated and taken care of.

Today we had the heart monitor on my belly for almost 2 hours because Finn's heart rate kept having strange decelerations. Blood flow from the chord is still good. Maybe a little more fluid? Too soon to tell if there is any growth. So, we continue from day to day. It is hard having him be so still. Movement is always reassuring and I look at the clock now when I do feel him move to see how long its been since the last time. This morning I felt some very slow, deliberate turning and little one has positioned himself head down now instead of breach as he has been, so that means that if he has to come out soon then maybe we would try to do it with out a c-section.

I am not sleeping very well and it is in the wee hours that I start to worry. I forget all of the good things I know about the spirit of fear and where it comes from. I start to allow myself to imagine horrible scenarios. The first thing on Sunday when we went in was Guy immediately turned on the ultrasound and we found Finn's heart beating away. We both gave a sigh of relief. In the dark and quiet sometimes I allow myself to imagine what it would be like if we discovered this little heart had stopped. How would I go on? Fear clutches me and I start to panic. And then I remember where to turn and I feel the prayers of my family, friends, and loved ones buoying me up. And if I'm really lucky, I feel Finn give me a little nudge that reminds me to have faith.

Tonight I was reading my new friend, Lila's blog. She is adopting two children from Haiti and has been through so many trials with that, infertility, and other adoption issues. But she talked about faith and how it is a way that we show Heavenly Father that He can trust us. It reminded me of how much I love reading Job. Even if it is all parable, I love it. I love that in the beginning Satan is talking to God and God asks him, "Hast thou considered my servant, Job?" because he is so good and upright before God. Satan tell God that Job is only good because his life is so abundant and cushy. God tells Satan to go ahead and afflict Job because God trusts Job so completely that whatever happens, he will still remain faithful. And sure enough, Job does. Now, none of us want afflictions or worries or anything of the sort. Who wants to go through what Job went through? But I hope and pray that through each trial that comes to me, I can continue to show my faith in my Heavenly Father. I can't think of anything happier than to think that Heavenly Father felt the same way about me and trusted me as he did Job--that he would actually trust me enough to say, "Have you considered my servant, Shannon?" and He would know that no matter what happens, I will prove myself and be able to say, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)

Bed Rest for Baby

Some of you read my sister Nancy's blog and have read a little about what is going on with me. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful.

Yesterday morning I headed to my normal prenatal visit. I am to the point where I am going every two weeks. Some of you may have read about my visit two weeks ago and how I was saying that my baby was big so far and probably going to weigh 10 pounds or something. Well, things can change quickly and it now appears that probably will not be the case. As Guy (my CNM and also my father-in-law) performed the ultrasound he kept looking at things and I asked, "What are you looking at?" He said, "Just looking." I began to notice something. Finn wasn't surrounded by lots of dark stuff. "Is there plenty of fluid in there?" I asked. "Um..." Guy said, "I'm measuring that right now." Guy is very calm and doesn't like to alarm anybody unduly. But he did say, "Let's go do a non-stress test and see how his heart is doing. And I'm also going to call over to the hospital to have you see the perinatalogist."

As I sat in a recliner with a monitor strapped to my tummy, I listened to Finn's heart and watched the little strip of white paper as it printed out of the machine. I'm not a doctor, but I could tell that the way it would stay steady at 160 then drop down to 120, then spike up and down could not be good. I called Chancho to have him come home from work to go to the hospital with me. I arranged for the kids to be taken care of by my sister, Amy, and good friends for the rest of the day. As Guy walked me out of his office, we stopped to talk with Dr. Marriott. He is the OB/GYN who kind oversees Guy and the other CNM in his office. Guy consults with Dr. Marriott when there are problems and Dr. Marriotts performs c-sections with Guy if they are necessary. Dr. Marriott asked about the fluid, and Guy told him it was about 4cm. Dr. Marriott made a grimace. I didn't like that. Normal amniotic fluid levels can vary greatly between 8 and 20 cms. 4 is not good. Guy showed him the strip of paper of Finn's heart rate and he grimaced again. He then indicated that I would be staying in the hospital for quite some time.

Chancho and I spent quite some time with the perinatalogist, Dr. Draper, doing more ultrasounds and answering lots of questions. He said that the level of fluid itself is not necessarily a huge concern. The question is why the fluid was so low and not replenishing itself. We did several tests and it appeared that my membranes are all intact and the fluid isn't leaking. The bigger concern was Finn's growth, or lack thereof. As mentioned, 2 weeks ago he was measuring large but yesterday he was measuring several ounces lighter and his abdomen was very small, only in about the 2%. Dr. Draper was encouraged that the placenta looks good and the blood flow through the chord is strong. Guy was surprised, but Dr. Draper did not admit to the hospital, rather sent me back to Guy's office for some blood work and a few additional tests. We then went home with me ordered on bed rest.

I had a terrible night. I could not sleep and Finn was not moving much at all, whereas until about 10 days ago he was so active it would make me sick. By 6:30am I was really scared and was just waiting until everybody woke up so we could head back up to Guy's office to do another ultrasound and non-stress test. Finally at about 10:00am we got the his office. The ultrasound looked about the same and Finn was starting to move about. His heart rate this morning looked much better than yesterday. Guy told me that I could either go home and promise to stay in bed except to go to the bathroom or else he could admit me to the hospital so that they could make sure of that. I opted to come home and have been resting all day. Chancho has made dinner and been good to me. The kids have thrown major fits from tiredness and lack of attention, but they each got individual reading time with me in bed and went to sleep early.

At this point all I can do is drink and eat lots and stay in bed so that all the blood goes to the uterus rather than muscle that I might otherwise be using. On Monday we will find out the results of some of the blood work. To my surprise, Dr. Draper was very interested in my alopecia and my other autoimmune conditions. He is wondering if I am dealing with something, ie Lupus, which might be causing problems for the baby. I will go daily in for non-stress tests and ultrasounds with Guy and will see the perinatalogist weekly. We have no idea what will happen from one day to the next. Dr. Draper was full of lots of if/thens. If they find a condition with me then they may be able to treat it and then maybe things will be better for the baby. If Finn's heart starts having problems again, then they will admit me to the hospital for constant monitoring. If he doesn't grow in the next 2 weeks, then they will perform a c-section. If things stay mostly the same then they will just continue to monitor me closely and hope that nothing happens for at least 3 more weeks. Wait and see.

Thanks again to all of you for your prayers on Finn's behalf. Mostly I feel buoyed up by them and am grateful for all of the blessings that we do have. I feel so lucky that my father-in-law is my CNM and that he takes lots of time with me and does thorough ultrasounds every time I come in. I'm grateful that my brother is our pediatrician and that all the people caring for us truly do care for us. I'm grateful for modern medicine. I am into a lot of old school medicine (herbs and acupressure and things) but am so grateful for all the advances of modern technology. I know that even if Finn had to be delivered tomorrow, he would have an amazing chance at survival. There are medications that can be given to me now to help his lungs develop more quickly and all kinds of cool things. So, I am focusing on those blessings and try to force out scary thoughts and stories that tend to creep in at night when all is quiet.

Well, time for more water and sleeping for me. It looks like that is how things will be for awhile now. No church tomorrow and no work. It is strange because usually I feel guilty if I am resting when there is always so much to be done. Now I have to try and remind myself to feel guilty if I get up and start to do laundry or whatever.

I was hoping for a good photo of Finn to share but he keeps his face buried most of the time and the lack of fluid makes it hard to get a good shot so you'll just have to look at the cute one of his face at the right taken quite awhile ago.

Thanks again for all of your support.