Update

Well, I feel like I should write an update for journaling purposes. Things are going okay. I am so lucky to have Guy taking care of me. I know I would be a nervous wreck otherwise. For example, from Saturday evening on I didn't feel the baby move at all. In the morning I was all wishy-washy like, "C, should I call your Dad? I don't want to be paranoid." But then of course I did call him and he told me to drink some cold OJ and see if that got baby going and if not to let him know. By 1:00 I still felt no movement so I texted Guy and he immediately came and picked my up and took me to the office. Everything was the same and baby's heart looked fine. I felt a little dumb for panicking but Guy made me feel like it was no big deal at all and that we definitely have to be extra cautious with this baby. He told me that women come in all of the time just because they have a bad feeling or whatever and everything is usually fine. He added, "It is fine with me for them to come anytime. However, I don't usually ever leave church to pick them up and take them to my office myself." So, I am lucky that way. With anybody else, I would be so worried about when I could call and how I would be treated and taken care of.

Today we had the heart monitor on my belly for almost 2 hours because Finn's heart rate kept having strange decelerations. Blood flow from the chord is still good. Maybe a little more fluid? Too soon to tell if there is any growth. So, we continue from day to day. It is hard having him be so still. Movement is always reassuring and I look at the clock now when I do feel him move to see how long its been since the last time. This morning I felt some very slow, deliberate turning and little one has positioned himself head down now instead of breach as he has been, so that means that if he has to come out soon then maybe we would try to do it with out a c-section.

I am not sleeping very well and it is in the wee hours that I start to worry. I forget all of the good things I know about the spirit of fear and where it comes from. I start to allow myself to imagine horrible scenarios. The first thing on Sunday when we went in was Guy immediately turned on the ultrasound and we found Finn's heart beating away. We both gave a sigh of relief. In the dark and quiet sometimes I allow myself to imagine what it would be like if we discovered this little heart had stopped. How would I go on? Fear clutches me and I start to panic. And then I remember where to turn and I feel the prayers of my family, friends, and loved ones buoying me up. And if I'm really lucky, I feel Finn give me a little nudge that reminds me to have faith.

Tonight I was reading my new friend, Lila's blog. She is adopting two children from Haiti and has been through so many trials with that, infertility, and other adoption issues. But she talked about faith and how it is a way that we show Heavenly Father that He can trust us. It reminded me of how much I love reading Job. Even if it is all parable, I love it. I love that in the beginning Satan is talking to God and God asks him, "Hast thou considered my servant, Job?" because he is so good and upright before God. Satan tell God that Job is only good because his life is so abundant and cushy. God tells Satan to go ahead and afflict Job because God trusts Job so completely that whatever happens, he will still remain faithful. And sure enough, Job does. Now, none of us want afflictions or worries or anything of the sort. Who wants to go through what Job went through? But I hope and pray that through each trial that comes to me, I can continue to show my faith in my Heavenly Father. I can't think of anything happier than to think that Heavenly Father felt the same way about me and trusted me as he did Job--that he would actually trust me enough to say, "Have you considered my servant, Shannon?" and He would know that no matter what happens, I will prove myself and be able to say, "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)