I Am Not My Hair

You will need to listen to this song while you look at these photos or it won't make as much sense. I want to dedicate this post to those of you who have supported me and loved me through so many difficult times. I am so grateful to have come to this "place" where I do not constantly feel that I have to measure myself against others.

Recently I wore a wig to Deedle's dance class and nobody recognized me. At first I thought it was strange, but then I decided that I liked it. I thought that maybe if I switch around more then people will realize that if they want to recognize me, they are going to have to do it by some other way than my hair or scarf or whatever it is that usually tags them off. Choose my big old booty or my nearly 6 foot height or my smile, but I no longer allow myself to be defined by my hair (or lack thereof). With this in mind, I am considering buying a blond wig. Everybody thinks that Nancy and I are twins anyway, and she looks gorgeous as a blond, so I may just try it for fun. Ya'll are just going to have to remember
that "I am not my hair" next time you are trying to track me down!Oh, and also, somebody asked if I had bruises on my head. The dark spots you see are typical of Alopecia Areata. These are actually spots of hair that have grown back but as they are not enough to actually cover a significant amount of my scalp (yet), I keep my head shaved smooth.
By the way, my sister Amy took these photos for a book that a lady with Alopecia is doing. I need to e-mail her my "story" now, so I better get to work on it.

Preschool Graduation

Well, it is the time of year that we all write about preschool graduation. Loumy and Deedle both "graduated" (Deedle for the 2nd of 3 times and Loumy for the 1st of 3 times) last Wednesday. I kind of wish it was just called the "end of year program" or something like that so that when they are actually "graduating" from preschool and ready to start kindergarten it will actually mean something. Oh well. It was still very cute and their teacher is wonderful. They looked so adorable in their caps and gowns.One of the coolest things was when the teacher asked her husband to start the music and he turned on some song that sounded like Aerosmith or something (I'm not sure) and just stood there happily, as if that were surely the song his wife was waiting for. After some unsuccessful hand gesturing, teacher emerged, red-faced, from the hall where she and the kids were waiting and switched to the next track, which was actually the traditional commencement song that you should be listening to at this time (turn on your volume, Nancy).

As each child received their diploma, they showed a picture they had drawn of what they want to be when they grow up. The answers were great and nicely varied (they had taken the kids in one by one so as to get an original answer). Some were very funny: "When Matthew grows up, he wants to be a lion." And others were a little too real: "When Payton grows up he wants to be the guy that brings the gas in the truck to the gas station."

You already know what my children want to be when they grow up. Speaking of...yesterday String Cheese was writing me a note and kept asking how to spell certain words. Suddenly Deedle asks, "Mom, when I grow up can you tell me how to spell 'no smoking'?"
Me: Sure. Why?
Deedsy: I want to write it on a sign to put on my candy store.
Me: Okay. But by the time you own your own candy story, you will probably be able to spell it with out me even telling you how.
D (unconvinced): But...I...really do NOT want people smoking in my store and getting it all gross and stinky.
Me: Okay. I promise. I will tell you how to spell "no smoking" whenever you are ready.
D: Thanks.

And that is the end of this post.

Five Things About Loumy

Jami tagged me on this, so I will proceed to share five things about Loumy:

1. He is very athletic. He loves to do anything sporty. He loves soccer, basketball, football, baseball, skateboarding, and, most recently swimming. His teacher calls him her "little fish". It has really come naturally to him. Perhaps its because he's from the Caribbean. The only problem he has is that he can't float on his back very well. His teacher said he is just too lean and heavy. He weighs the same as Deedle does, even though she's nearly a head taller than him. He has no chub, just lean. In this video you will see that he is a fearless little man and that he learns very quickly (especially when it comes to something physical to master).

2. He loves GIRLS. He has been a flirt since...forever. When he was only 10 months old I took him with me to Macy's. All of the make-up counter girls were "ooh-ing and aah-ing over him." He would just smile in my arms, then, he looked at them and blew a kiss. I had just barely taught him to do that when I was leaving to go someplace, but he instinctively knew that it would be appropriate to do to girls that are swooning. Two days ago he told me that he has a girlfriend. I didn't even think he knew what it meant to have a "girlfriend". So, I asked him who it was. He raised his eyebrows and slyly said, "Alyssa," as if he knew EXACTLY what it means to have a girlfriend! I asked him why and he replied because, "she is nice and she is cute." She is in his preschool class and, according to her mother, she has had a crush on him all year long and talks about him constantly. They are really good little buddies and get along really well. They sit by each other at school and play well together. Usually he goes for brunettes (ie. his Aunt Zhateal), but Alyssa is strawberry blonde. He is going to miss her (we won't be going to the same preschool next year). Today while driving in the car, I heard Deedle and String Cheese starting to argue about something. I quickly intervened, "We do NOT ever tell our sisters that they are fat. That is not nice." Loumy softly says, "Alyssa is not fat."
I do like Alyssa but I already had another girl in mind for him. Luckily after our girlfriend conversation, he suddenly smiled very broadly. I asked him why he was smiling and he said that he remembered, "I have TWO girlfriends! Alyssa and Marley!" Yeah. And don't you forget it! Here are a few photos of Alyssa and Loumy today at pre-school graduation (yet, how is it graduation if he has to do it two more times before he even gets to kindergarten?) as well as a photo of Loumy and Marley at a soccer game.3. He likes to dress himself. Because I was tired of picking up the 14 outfits each day that he would change into, we made a rule that he could only change if he asked permission first. Now, the first thing I hear when he wakes me at 7am is, "Mom, can I get dressed in my clothes now?"

4. He has an obsession with big brothers. Every day he asks about 20 times if he can be my big brother. I always say yes. But recently he talks about things that his "big brother" does. His big brother is named Isaiah and its a little creepy because he actually has a big brother, Isaiah, who died before we were able to bring him home from Haiti. I have no doubt that Loumy sees angels and I believe with total certainty that angels administered to him for the first nine months of his life while he lived in an orphanage in pretty appalling circumstances. But I'm not sure about this big brother business. Today when I came in to put him down for a nap I said, "Loumy?! How did this room get so messy? I just cleaned it last night and now there are toys and clothes everywhere!" Without missing a beat he said, "My big brother Isaiah did it."

5. He has a very tender heart. When I hear him crying, 9 times out of 10, its because somebody "hoit (hurt) my feelings". And that is not to say he doesn't get hurt physically with all of his crazy boy stunts (I saw him teetering on his skateboard at the top of the slide the other day, about ready to give it a try before I stopped him). He loves to give hugs and kisses and when I give him a kiss out-of-the-blue he always smiles and says, "thank you." If one of his sisters does a little dance or sings a song, he always compliments them. He is just very sensitive and sweet.

I like this little "tag" thing because it gave me a chance to focus on the positives. I have such fantastic kids and a wonderful husband. But if I don't watch out, it is easy to focus on behaviors that need changing. And then I always have to remind myself that what you are looking for is usually what you will find. So, when I try to think about all the great things about my family, I remember how blessed I am to have such incredible people in my life.

I will now tag a kid that I don't know very well and would like to read more about: Grayson!

It Actually Worked

Sitting at the computer this morning, I think I might like to just, you know, read a few e-mails and blogs and stuff. If you ever see the hour of my postings, you know that usually only occurs AFTER all is quiet in the house (about midnight).

So, I am reading and I hear a lot of crying coming from Loumy and, from his tone, I know he has been excluded from his sisters' play. Sure enough, when he stops crying enough for me to interpret his languishings, I discover that there was no place for him on the "Nickelodeon Cruise Ship" game the girls have just invented. As I listen to his complaints, I notice Loumy's fingernails. Gross.

"Hey, Loumy!" I say quietly to him and with a big smile. "Do NOT tell the girls. I have something really cool for just the two of us! Go up and find your secret, special nail clippers and quietly come back to me and I will trim your nails!"

He pauses and looks suspicious. But I persist.

"But you CANNOT tell the girls about this. You have to be very sneaky as you get the clippers. Go, now! Quickly! But quietly!"

And...it actually works! I look over at Chancho (at work on his own computer). He just shrugs and is as shocked as I am that Loumy fell for it.

Shortly thereafter, the girls are begging for some Gatorade because it is so "freaking hot" on their cruise ship. I use this as leverage to get Loumy in on the action.

"But there is nothing for him to 'be' on the cruise ship!" String Cheese protests.

"What do you mean?" I cry. "Don't you know anything about the Pacific Princess Cruise Ship? That is the best cruise ship and there is room for everybody on it. He could be a bartender, you know, the one to bring the Gatorade."
All was agreed and soon Loumy was not only the lowly bartender but the captain of the ship! And now I am blogging about it in the coolness of my quiet basement because instead of yelling and putting everybody in time-out, I was very astute and it actually worked!

Hypo-bole

From Merriam-Webster:
Hyperbole is extravagant exaggeration (as “mile-high ice-cream cones”)

Hyperbole is very a good tool to use when trying to get your point across or when you want to be funny. That is, if you are me. Or my sisters. While dating, my suitor (Chancho) was often quite amazed at my expressions. If I was early to something, I would say, "It was amazing. I was like 4,000 hours early, and that never happens." See, I had to express how surreal it felt to be early to something that I had to use "extravagant exaggeration". Still not clear on hyperbole?
"My head looks the size of large airport in that picture."
"Well, of course we can't ever hang out--you have 9,000 children."

Since I frequent the use of hyperbole, sometimes I confuse myself and use, what I deem "hypo-bole".
From Perla's Dictionary (which always is available for browsing in the haunted parlor), Hypobole is accidental under-exaggeration which results in diminished effect and confusion. For example, we were in St. George and there was a raised walk-way we had to go over to get to our condo. It sounded really loud and thunderous, no matter how gently I tried to walk over it. I didn't like it because, as I accidentally said, "It makes me sound like I weigh 100 pounds!" (And I haven't weighed that little since I was an infant)

For better (or not) String Cheese has adopted the use of hyperbole. The other day, though, she started to move into the hypobole realm. At least I think that is what it was. In the way only children 3-6 years of age can do, String Cheese and friends can entertain themselves for hours by saying outrageously silly and exaggerated things. I will say, "I need to get my phone." and she will say, "I need to get...my refrigerator!" Then she'll wait...and her little siblings will give her the appropriate amount of guffawing, then they will start trying some of their own, "I need to go get my...counter top!" haha. "I need to go get the...trampoline!" haha.

This kind of silliness started in the car while String Cheese was with my friend, Pooka, and her boys. SC and JaJa were doing some kind of "what-if", crazy, silly-kid nonsense. They were laughing hysterically when SC came up with another good one. It went like this:
SC: What if...a baby was BORN...and then it DIED...(wait for the laugh)
JaJa: (not laughing) well, that can be real.
SC: No, but, like, what if a baby was born and then the baby died? (giving a laugh herself to remind him that he was now supposed to fall into hysterics)
JaJa: Yeah, but babies really do get borned and die sometimes so that's not funny.

So, unlike the extravagant exaggerations that had gained her so many laughs previously, my daughter had followed in my foot steps and accidentally stepped into the realm of hypobole: accidental under-exaggeration which results in diminished effect and confusion. And maybe even a little sadness from sensitive, handsome little Ja-Ja.

Deedle's PREformance

Today was the day that Deedsy has been waiting for since...well...since her last performance, or, as she says it, "pre-formance". Deedsy and String Cheese started taking tap and ballet last fall. String Cheese wasn't happy with the class, although she did very well. Because I'd paid for the costume and because I thought she might change her mind, I told her that she needed to stay in dance until after the Christmas recital. She was a good sport about it. She did a beautiful little dance for Christmas and looked stunning. But right when it was over she said to me, "Now I never have to dance again, right Mom?" And I couldn't go back on my word.I was afraid that since SC didn't enjoy it then Deedle wouldn't want to do it any more either. Boy was I wrong! That girl loves to dance. I will often find her in the mirror singing, "I like to move it move it! I like to move it move it!" And she certainly does.Today she had a dance performance at a middle school. She and her little group did a super cute little ballet (if you could call it that) to the song "The Flu" from the Hair Spray soundtrack. She was tired because it was nap time, but she did well and was happy to have Dad and Loumy watching and cheering for her. I really don't know that there is much of a cuter sight than eight 4-year-olds doing ballet.
After the pre-formance we came home, had dinner, then went as a family to Farr's Icecream (of course). Deedle kept referring to it as the ice cream "parlor". I'm not sure who taught her that but I love it. We then went to the park and played for awhile before coming home and heading to bed. What a fun day it was for Deedle and for the family together.I hope you enjoy these photos. They are totally Deedle to a "T". She can be so fun and mischievous but when it comes to dancing, she is all business. She is also all business when it comes to what is appropriate to eat at a certain age. Tonight as we walked out of the ice cream "parlor" (you know I love parlors), Deedle saw a man about Chancho's age. She scrunched up her face and incredulously, with some disgust, asked, "Why is HE eating PLAYDOUGH ice cream?" Of course, she and her two siblings were eating playdough ice cream, but she was quite bereft that an adult male would eat it. I was a bit disturbed myself.

Should Have Known Better

Mother's Day

I'm sure that you are all dying to hear if I got what I wanted for Mother's Day. Oh, yes! And more! Jason bought me the print of the painting I wanted (which is totally fine because I would have been kind of sick about spending $500 right now for the canvas). It is not framed yet, but he said I can do that as soon as I decide where I want to put it and what frame would look best. He also bought me a gorgeous bouquet of tons of pink tulips and purple irises. Then the kids gave me some great home-made cards and chocolate chocolate chocolate! Chancho made dinner at his parents house with his brothers and dad, then when we came home he had strawberry shortcake for us for dessert. The kids ended the day, after teeth brushing, reading and prayers, with Mother's Day Massage Time! It was too cute and they are actually old enough, especially String Cheese, that my back massage was very nice and relaxing!
My first couple of mothers days I cried. Not a i'm-so-happy-to-be-a-mother cry. But another cry that I couldn't quite understand. It wasn't that Chancho didn't do enough to make the day special for me. But it kind of felt like that and that made me feel like a total loser for feeling like that and then I would start feeling like a total loser all around and would think that I didn't even deserve a good Mother's Day because I wasn't a good wife or Mother. Those are the kind of crazy thoughts I used to think all of the time before I stopped thinking them. I'm not sure exactly when this transformation happened, but it has been recently and since I have gone through all of the trials of illness, hairloss, and mental illness that I've been through in the past 2.5 years.

This mother's day was great! I like myself much more than I ever have before and I refuse to say, "except for..." My goal is to treat myself with as much love and tenderness that I feel towards my sisters. Maybe they don't always know how much I love them, but I do and I would never say or think a mean thing about them. I always know that they are trying their best and if they are having a hard time or showing a weakness it is okay because they are still doing the best that they can. I think each one is so beautiful and I am so proud of them. They are each a very choice daughter of God. And guess what, so am I! This is what I have been working on and am really starting to "get". This does not mean that I think "all is well in Zion". It simply means that thinking anything mean or negative about myself or others just doesn't do anybody any good. If we see something we need to work on then, we just try our best to do it.

Here is a case in point. For ages I have lamented over the fact that we are taught to read scriptures "as a family" daily. In the past I have always had an excuse (I'm too sick, the kids are too little, etc.). But last Sunday I read this quote:

I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.

Marion D. Romney, Conference Address, October 1980

So, I was like, "For Heaven's sakes! We need all of those things! We better start reading." I didn't say we should start reading "except...". We just did. Starting that night I told the kids we were going to do things differently and we would read from the Book of Mormon every night before prayers. And we have. And the kids like it. And I am starting to feel happier. How hard was that? And this thing alone, starting to read scripture together as a family on a REGULAR, DAILY basis is one of the things that made this Mother's Day really, really happy for me.

Creative Recipes

During some deep cleaning recently I found a cookbook that was created in Deedle and String Cheese's preschool last year. The children were to come up with the recipes for their favorite foods. My girls were more logical than creative. Deedle said that she likes ramen noodles and cookies, but Dad makes the noodles and Mom and SC makes the cookies. She wrote, I "get to put in lots of sugar and nothing else." So, how would she know how to make them?

String Cheese was adamant that her favorite thing was a crisp bean burrito and you can NOT make them, you must BUY them from Taco Maker. She did make sure to let everybody know that they have beans inside and, "They are really good for a cold day. They are warm."

A couple of others gave their recipes very matter-of-factly. These were two of my favorites:

If you ask me, the strawberry cake doesn't sound all that strawberry-like, except maybe the scrubbed on frosting part. And Sam's poor mother obviously tried to pull one over on him by using Spaghetti instead of Ramen Noodles one day when he was demanding them and they were out and she was exasperated and insisted to him that yes, the spaghetti was indeed Ramen, even if it didn't look the same.

What I Want for Mother's Day

I rarely have an idea of what I want for Mother's Day. But this year I do! I want this painting. It is by Liz Lemon Swindle and you can read the story about how she came up with the idea for it here. For those of you who know me, it doesn't take much of an imagination to understand why this painting touches me so deeply. The title of it is "Worth of a Soul". Most of you know that my son is from Haiti and that I love the children of that country very much. This painting was inspired in Zambia, but the struggles that the children in many African nations are facing is the same of those in Haiti. I really don't know what more to say about this painting except that it speaks volumes to me, very personally. I have had the opportunity to see and hold and spend time with children that have had to endure so much suffering. I am trying my best to do something, to help in some way, but it is never enough. Only thinking about the power and love that our Saviour possesses brings me hope. And, in the spirit of the Sabbath (okay, it actually ended 42 minutes ago, but its still Sunday until I go to sleep), I will share a few more of her paintings that I really, really love.The last one is called "Mother". So beautiful, right?

Anyway, I better make sure that Chancho reads this. I really want the $500 limited edition canvas of "Worth of a Soul" but that is not going to happen, so I'll happily settle for the largest print available!

The Joke that Wasn't

Tonight Chancho thought he'd try out a joke on String Cheese. Most of us enjoyed this one at some point in our childhood. It is the "under where? (underwear)?" Joke. It went like this:

C: String Cheese, what's that under there?
SC: What?
C: What is under there?
SC: What are you talking about? What under what?
C: What is that thing under THERE?

(both are starting to get a little exasperated)

SC: What THING?
C: Never mind, I was just trying to tell you a joke.
SC: But what thing are you talking about?
C: That cat. Why is that cat under there?
SC: What cat? Under WHAT???!!!

Deedle pipes in.

D: What thing under what, Dad? What cat?
Me: When he says, 'under there', you're supposed to ask, 'under where'.
SC: Okay, try it again Dad.
C: What is that under there?
SC: Under where?
C: Ha! You said 'underwear'!

Deedle, String Cheese, and Loumy start laughing hysterically.

Luckily the word "underwear" is hilarious to children between the ages of 3 and 6 no matter how long it takes for the joke to come around.

More 80s

One of the most influential people of my life, especially during the 80s, was...Molly Ringwald. PSYCHE!

This post is actually not dedicated to her, rather it is dedicated to my brother Aaron. Aaron is almost exactly three years older than I am. I still love and admire Aaron dearly and he is still handsome and super cool, but I am going to be referring to the past-tense Aaron here (seen above in the photo with me and my Mom. I was making a purse for my cabbage patch doll, Daniela Trudy).

I don't think that I can even come up with the words to express how important he was to me and what a big impact he made on my life during those crucial, formative years. Aaron was so super cool. He was always popular, always had tons of friends, and always had a lot of girls swooning over him. He was tall and always had a naturally great build. It was kind of embarrassing when I was a Freshman and he was a Senior in high school. I would overhear girls my age talking about how gorgeous he was. He played football and was very good. Yet he somehow always made me feel like I was one of the most important people in his life.

For some reason Aaron was always willing to let his little sister hang out with him and his friends. Actually, he was not just "willing", rather he went out of his way to "invite" me to be included. I don't just mean hanging out around the house. I mean he'd take me with him when his friends were going sledding or funjalating (shooting things at cars with one of the t-shirt launcher type things) or whatever it was. I remember when I was in second grade I was playing at the neighbor (Bridget's) house. Somebody came running to the door to tell me that I needed to come home and that there was a surprise for me. It was 5th grade Lagoon day. Somehow Aaron had procured an extra ticket and wanted to take me along with him and his buddies. What?! I remember that day, the excitement I felt, and the overwhelming joy as well as I remember any of my Christmases. Half a dozen of the oldest, handsomest and most awesome boys that Taylor Elementary had to offer and...me!

As a Freshman at my high school, I was having a really difficult time adjusting to the new life. But luckily my handsome brother was always there to give me confidence and to encourage me. Lunch time was the worst. I always had tons of friends in elementary and middle school but somehow none of my friends were in any of my classes or my lunch period when I got to high school. I remember that the whole first trimester I sat alone at lunch and felt terrified. (Don't cry. I made new friends in addition to the old.) One day at lunch I was alone and spilled ketchup all down the front of my shirt. I was so embarrassed as I came up the stairs and had to pass through the Jrs/Srs ONLY "rotunda". Aaron was sitting with some friends and immediately got up and came over to me. I didn't even say anything about my shirt before he was taking off his own (he had two layered) and said, "Here just wear this." You know that expression, "He's the type of guy that would give you his shirt off his back."? They were talking about Aaron.During high school Aaron would often come into my room after I was asleep. He would turn on the light to discuss with me his date or what he had done with his friends and ask my opinion. It got to the point that I almost felt uncomfortable if he didn't come in before bed to tell me what he had done that night.

Aaron taught me so many things. He taught me how to drive and he taught me how to hug (if somebody hugs you first, they should be the one to let go, not you) and that guy gives the tightest hugs of anybody I know. He taught me what was important in a friend and what didn't matter. He told me I was cool and that I was beautiful. He helped me run for school offices (and win). He let me drive his car at age 13 with my giggling friends. He made sure that I had a date on my 16th birthday. He had a very kind heart and taught me that it was NEVER cool to belittle or make fun of somebody. He also taught me how to disguise passport photos in case the need arises to create several identities.Most importantly, he taught me what it was like to feel a brother's love. I have six brothers and I love them all. Because of proximity and age, I am closer to some than others. I know that they love me and a girl couldn't be more blessed than to have these six guys love her. Aaron loved me and he also seemed to like me a lot.

One of the most memorable experiences was a simple but profound one. I remember sitting next to Aaron in church. He had his arm around me and, for some reason, was squeezing me really tight. It seemed like a lot of times he was just trying to pour all the good and all the strength that he could into my heart through his hugs. I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love for him. And then, an epiphany. I had an older brother who loved me unconditionally. Wait...if my earthly brother can love me this much, then maybe I can start to get an idea of how much my elder brother Jesus Christ might love me...It was the first time I could actually put the Savior's love into terms and feelings that I could truly comprehend.
While serving my mission in San Antonio, I had the opportunity to go to a missionary fireside with Elder Richard G. Scott. I sat on the front row in a regular sized chapel, so you can imagine how close I was. We were able to shake hands and I could feel such a strong spirit. He was supposed to speak to us for two hours but ended up speaking to us for four hours as we all sat eagerly and with tears in our eyes, begging him to tarry a little longer. Anyway, one of the things that Elder Scott told us was that sometimes the path to becoming like the Savior may seem really long and hard. Sometimes it may seem too difficult to become like him. What he suggested is that we choose heroes to put in front of us along that path. And as we strive to become like those heroes of ours, we will gradually move closer and closer to the Savior.

I have been abundantly blessed to be surrounded by heroes in my life. This post goes out to you, my brother, my hero, who taught me what it is like to feel the Savior's love, my brother Aaron.