I Am Not My Hair

You will need to listen to this song while you look at these photos or it won't make as much sense. I want to dedicate this post to those of you who have supported me and loved me through so many difficult times. I am so grateful to have come to this "place" where I do not constantly feel that I have to measure myself against others.

Recently I wore a wig to Deedle's dance class and nobody recognized me. At first I thought it was strange, but then I decided that I liked it. I thought that maybe if I switch around more then people will realize that if they want to recognize me, they are going to have to do it by some other way than my hair or scarf or whatever it is that usually tags them off. Choose my big old booty or my nearly 6 foot height or my smile, but I no longer allow myself to be defined by my hair (or lack thereof). With this in mind, I am considering buying a blond wig. Everybody thinks that Nancy and I are twins anyway, and she looks gorgeous as a blond, so I may just try it for fun. Ya'll are just going to have to remember
that "I am not my hair" next time you are trying to track me down!Oh, and also, somebody asked if I had bruises on my head. The dark spots you see are typical of Alopecia Areata. These are actually spots of hair that have grown back but as they are not enough to actually cover a significant amount of my scalp (yet), I keep my head shaved smooth.
By the way, my sister Amy took these photos for a book that a lady with Alopecia is doing. I need to e-mail her my "story" now, so I better get to work on it.

80s Week

Megan has decided to devote this week to the 80s. I am sure that I can come up with many posts regarding that decade. Born in 1974, the 80s covered the years of my life six through sixteen.

As I reflected on the 80s I realized that they were some of the most happy and also the most difficult times of my life. I'm sure that doesn't sound original. Who doesn't have major ups and downs in childhood and into adolescence? I was a very happy child but the onset of puberty seemed to trigger a couple of hidden auto-immune things in me that have been at the base of my largest trials in life. I was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata just as I entered my teens and I began experiencing a lot of depression and, now that I can look back, some other mental issues. It is my theory that a lot of mental illness, including mine, is auto-immune. So, anywho...the first half of the 80s felt mostly like this:



































The Second half of the 80s had a lot of this (thank goodness for mom!):

The 80s were a time of discovering myself. A lot of my memories are tied very closely to music. I was a KJQ girl all the way with some occasional hip hop or rap mixed in, but mostly only for dancing pleasure with my friends. This song from Freur was one of my all-time favs of the 80s. And, strangely enough, I still really like it. So, I will come up with some 80s memories. Look for new posts coming soon (or avoid my jib for the rest of this week if you have no interest in my life during that precious decade).

Kelly, if this song doesn't make you want to leave a comment, then nothing will!

A Change

WARNING: I began this post with only the thought of posting a couple of quick photos. Instead it turned into a novella with various anecdotes and then philosophizing. Just a warning that you might not have time to read it all. So, if you just want to see my new wig, then scroll down and see it and forget about the rest!
"Jane says, 'Have you seen my wig around? I feel naked with out it.' " ~ Jane's Addiction

I went to Robert's Wigs yesterday. I have not been to a wig shop since I lost my hair the first time over ten years ago. Both were very traumatic. Because I was so freaked out about the thought of a wig, I went by myself the first time. If you ever go bald, do not go do something like that alone! The lady at the wig shop was not nice, not helpful, and I was completely depressed and worried and ended up buying something that didn't look good on me at all.The next time I went to a wig shop, it wasn't really a shop, rather it was a place where they make custom wigs. My sisters, Amy and Kathy were with me. I am so glad they were because I ended up having my head shaved for the first time (they were trying to attach a new wig to my head and the sparse amount of hair I had left was getting in the way so I told them to go ahead and shave it off). It was a very traumatizing experience for me, but the wig turned out to be a life saver at that time in my life so I am very grateful. The wig was VERY expensive and my parents paid for it all with out batting an eye. No matter how tight money was, if there was something, anything that might help my health or help me to feel better about dealing with my Alopecia, my parents always were willing to make whatever sacrifice necessary.

Also, after getting the new human hair wig and having my head shaved, Kathy immediately bought me a new outfit (shoes, shorts, and a shirt!). She also bought me some clothes in St. George. You should all know that every one of my sisters is beautiful and kind and loving and they each have special traits that make them unique and they each support and help me in different ways. One way that Kathy supports me is by immediately buying something to make me feel better (and I'm not saying she's rich, I'm just saying that she is very generous that way).

I lost a lot of my hair after Deedle was born and I was afraid I might lose it all again so I ordered a couple of wigs on-line. They were okay. Some the colors weren't good and none of them really felt like "me". (Of course Kathy bought me one of them)

Anywho...my wig experiences have not been extremely positive. I never felt like any of them really looked completely natural on me--whether because the wig itself wasn't great or just because the thickness and the style didn't fit me--and they are all somewhat itchy, hot and uncomfortable.

So, why I decided to try Roberts Wigs yesterday, I'm not sure. I just stopped by quickly before going to volunteer at String Cheese's kindergarten class. The lady that owns it now was SO nice and I actually had a lot of fun trying on wigs. I found one that I kind of liked and thought I would like to order it but in a different color. I was almost late and needed to leave but the owner asked me to just let her quickly get out another wig to check and see if the color would work for me. She opened a box and asked me to try it on and my eyes lit up! It was exactly what I was looking for. The color and style were both perfect for me. It was one of those moments where some might say it was total coincidence or others might think that God certainly doesn't have time to worry about making somebody happy with something as little as this, but to me it was what Elder Eyring has referred to as "a tender mercy of the Lord".Needless to say, I am very happy! It is very light-weight and the style just fits me. I am not saying it is the most gorgeous wig in the world or that anybody else would necessarily love it or that it is the most fantastic style. I am just saying that if I had my own hair right now then this is how I would be wearing it. What do you think? Nancy asked for photos, so here they are. I wished I'd put on some make-up and that somebody else could have taken them rather than me but these will do.

Now, a quick bit of education for those of you who haven't dealt with bald women and are not sure how to react when you see them wearing a new or different wig. A couple of do's and dont's might be helpful for you.
DO:
...notice! Acting like nothing is different makes everybody feel awkward if you try to act like nothing has changed when she looks drastically different.
...say something like, "I like your hair!" After all, if she bought it and it is on her head, then it is her hair and you don't need to bring up the fact that it is a wig because some women aren't totally comfortable with that (I am so you can say that to me). Or you could say, "Hi! What a cool style for you! I love that look on you!" If you do not like the wig, you don't need to lie but you can still say something to make sure she knows you noticed her by saying, "How fun to have a new style! Do you like it?"

Do NOT:
...ignore the fact that she looks totally different but still keep glancing up at her head while talking to her.
...say, "You are SO lucky to get to wear all different styles." or "You are so lucky that you can just throw on a wig...my hair takes forever to do!" Why are these things inappropriate to say? Because if you have hair then you have the option, any day of the week, to buy yourself a wig, to shave off your hair if it is driving you crazy, or whatever you want. It demeans any difficulty that a bald woman might be going through. If she says, as I some times do, "It is so nice to just be able to throw on a scarf or a wig. It saves a lot of time in the morning." Then feel free to agree and say, "That is great that you can focus on the positives! That is a really nice thing to save time getting ready."
...say, "I wish I could just wear a wig." That is kind of the same as the last "do not". Anybody can wear a wig. Like I said, you just buy one and wear it.As for me, you don't need to worry about what you say. I refuse to get offended easily and I have really grown a lot. I am working very hard on not ever comparing myself to others physically anymore. It just doesn't work out for anybody, does it? "I wish I were thinner, I wish I had nice skin, and I wish I had my hair back." There. Now that's done. Why dwell on it? I am trying something else on for size: "I was created after Divinity. Everybody is different. I am beautiful." That one is definitely fitting more nicely! Funny how when we think nice things about ourselves, we think less often about ourselves. And I think it is rubbing off on my kids, too, which is definitely the best thing that could come from any type of trial we go through. This morning I was getting ready to go someplace. String Cheese has always loved it in the past when I put on a wig and when the kids saw me with it at school they all really liked it. But this morning she said to me, "Mom, you look so pretty with your new wig. But you look really pretty with out it, too." I have no DOUBT that she can FEEL how I FEEL about myself.

In closing of this major novel here, I must thank Nancy for writing such a nice blog post about me and Zhateal for how her new-found wisdom has affected me (see this post). Whatever she has gone through lately has made me want to stop being mean to myself and be willing to really allow myself to discover the beautiful person that is inside. Z actually looks different since she's gone through this sort of spiritual transformation. A holistic doctor would say that her aura is vibrant and she glows. I would say that her spirit is happy and and is telling you so when you look in her eyes.

So, anyway, I'm really experimenting and working hard on this new "I am beautiful" thing. I never even knew I felt comfortable saying that about myself. I thought it was being haughty. But really Satan has been using this fake sense of "humility" of me not accepting myself or feeling good enough about myself. That is not humility. It's a lie that Satan uses to trap us into ourselves and our own self-loathing so that we don't have the love and the energy left to completely open up and use our talents and beauty that God has given us to serve others. If any of you want in on this experiment of giving up the self-deprecation, let me know and we will all remind each other how beautiful we are!

Proper Perspective

I have dealt with a condition called Alopecia Areata for almost 20 years now. Quick definition: Alopecia is a genetic auto-immune disease which causes hair loss. I found my first bald patch when I was 14. For the last 19 years I have experienced every stage of loss. I have had many years of patches coming and going, I lost all of the hair on my scalp 10 years ago, then it regrew 18 months later. I had some patches after the births of my two daughters. Then it grew back. Then I had a crazy case of Hep A which I contracted at the time I brought my little Haitian son home. I was sick for many months and I again lost all of my hair. It has now been over 2 years and no signs of regrowth. I have also lost my eyebrows, lower eyelashes, nose hairs, cilia in my ears and lungs, and patches over the rest of my body.

For a woman living in a society where looks are so important and seem to equate our worth, it has been a struggle. But I've grown a lot, I hope. I still fight the fight. I hope and pray it grows back. But I've been able to get to a place where I feel okay to look at myself in the mirror. It is my goal to be able to look at my reflection at any time and say, "That's me and I'm okay however I look." And that is my challenge to each of you who happens upon my post. Our weight may go up and down. Our skin may look beautiful or really blotchy. We may have beautiful hair or we may not. But that reflection in the mirror is not who you truly are. If you don't believe me, dig a little deeper.

Today at dinner Grace touched her bruised cheek then looked at Jason and said, "Oh, dad...I think this is going to hurt until my resurrection." I had to quickly cover my mouth with a napkin and fake a cough so she wouldn't hear me laugh. But it also touched me to know that somewhere inside her is the understanding that the things of this life are temporary.


This photo is a picture of me with my Dad. He also has Alopecia Areata and I inherited it from him. Sometimes he feels guilty about this but if I have inherited anything else of his intellect or compassion then the Alopecia is certainly worth it. I like to see the love he has for me on his face and to think about how much more my other Father (in Heaven) loves me. When I remember these things, I know how badly they want me to be happy for this short time I have on this Earth. I can look at this photo and I am not disgusted any longer by what I see. It helps me have more of a proper perspective.