Life with Five

Life with five looks something like this:

Somethings are just great. I truly do feel this newborn euphoria. I felt it the same with Finn. This feeling that this is the last time I'll be doing this and I want to treasure each moment (luckily I was wrong about Finn being the last, but luckily I was right to treasure each moment). I was talking a lot to my younger sister, Nancy, who recently found out that she is pregnant with her 6th child. This is something she wanted. She is a fantastic mother and feel that it is the right thing for them and their family. But before Lila was born, Nancy and I talked about how it might feel nice to not have babies any more and to be able to plan a lot more grown up things. We said things like, "It would be nice to know our family was complete." and "It will be nice to have kids that don't demand you have them to naps at a certain time with out them turning into wild beasts." And other stuff. Its weird because at the time I totally understood and felt it, too. But now I can't even verbalize that, even though I know it all sounded logical and I felt it. But right now, the very thought of no longer having an infant or a toddler around me absolutely breaks my heart. Right now I've got on my 18 foot-piece-of-cloth-sling. Lila loves to just be snuggled in there, close to my body, and it leaves both of my hands free. I NEVER want to set her down. Honestly, I have to force myself, pretty much. The thought of never again having a tiny one snuggled in a little carrier like this just makes me want to weep. So, although, logically I know how much fun it will be to continue to see her grow and to see the changes in my family as we all get older--I am really having to try hard not to think about how fast it goes by, else my heart shatter into a thousand pieces. Isn't that interesting? Maybe it doesn't make sense. Its just interesting how a little person can change everything.

Despite being utterly smitten with my Lila Pearl (and Chancho is, too, my goodness! He is head--over-hills for this little beauty), there must needs be opposition in all things. I have to remind myself that it has only been a week because I've had quite a painful recovery. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the difficulty in pushing her through the birth canal. SC was difficult, Deedle and Finn were not--and with Finn, despite my sadness at leaving him at the hospital, I was recovering with out a new baby to care for for the first month. There is some good. I didn't gain nearly as much with this pregnancy as I have my others (yes, I didn't even gain as much as I did with Finn, and his pregnancy was 7 weeks shorter!). So, although I've got some flabbiness, of course, and plenty of weight to lose, I do feel ahead of the game there.

The hardest thing is the adjustment for the kids. They all love their baby sister and are excited to hold her, smile at her, talk to her, etc. But it is another huge, life change for them. We've sure put them through a lot this past 9 months. They have been so great and so resilient. But its hard.

SC has had a hard time falling asleep. Part of it is that she is sleeping on Deedle's floor while Grandma Sharon is here (and we're all SO glad to have her here). But part of it is just change. She said she was sick this morning. I made her go to school but told her to call if she still didn't feel well. She called at 10am for me to come get her. There weren't really any symptoms that could be described. Just sickness. I call it "hey-i'm-behaving-well-but-this-new-change-is-hard-for-me-too-sickness".

Look at these three sisters together! Aren't they adorable. And the story about why Deedle is wearing a Christmas, fur-collared-dress is one for another time. Anywho...I'm so glad these sisters have each other! I love my sisters SOOOOOO much and pray everyday that these 3 will be as close to each other as I am with my 4 sisters.Deedle is struggling A LOT. They have a color-coded behavior system in class. Green is the best. Then when you get in trouble, you may have to "flip your clip" to yellow, orange, red, then black. Since we arrived, Deedle has received nothing but green--until last week. She has now had to yellow days and an orange. At home she is angry, bossy, and cries a lot. Last night she woke up twice in the night--once crying because she had awoken but was so tired. Hm. Luckily Grandma Sharon to the rescue. I was feeding the baby, so GS snuggled her and got her back to sleep. Deedle has been saying a lot of unkind things to friends and siblings. She will not accept accountability for her actions. It has been difficult. We're trying!Oh Loumy! Why are you such an angel? He has done the best. He wants peace. He tries hard. But I can see it has affected him, as well. I love seeing the tenderness he has for his baby sister. He is so sweet with her. He will hold her and slowly rock her back and forth,with a very serious look on his face. He is SO good with Finn and is really starting to play with him a lot. But I see him taking a very protective roll over this little girl. As they get older, I think nobody is going to want to mess with Loumy's baby sister! Life is pretty good for him right now. He is excelling in soccer, his reading has suddenly shot up to a 2nd grade level, and he just started football! It is flag football and he is SO excited about learning plays and practicing. His first game is Saturday and he can hardly contain himself. But still--he is more defiant, more sensitive, there's been more crying, etc, than are typical for this kid. Yes, he tells us through out the day, this is no cake walk for me, either!

And then we come to this little man. Ohhhh...my little Finn! How we love you! And how difficult this is on you! We are all trying so extra hard to give you tons of attention and loves, but this week has been hard! First of all, Mom said she was going to a dr appt and would be right back. Then over 3 days later she finally shows up and she's got a baby that is demanding to be stuck "kissing" (as he said) her chest half the day. Grandma Sharon is here, which is great fun...most of the time...other times he wonders why she is doing the things his mom should be doing, likechanging his diaper or putting him down to nap. He has cried more this past week than he has in the rest of his life combined. He is only obedient when he really wants to be. The rest of the time, he completely ignores every request. Yet he is so sweet. He loves Lila. When he hears her cry (which is more like a small, puppy bark), he gets very worried and will run to give her his bunny or his blanket to try to cheer her. But he also gets angry if you don't let him carry her around like he does his bunny. And the hardest thing is that he is a real safety risk with the baby. SC and Deedle never truly frightened me to leave them near their younger sibling. Finn will gently (sort of) rub her head, while pushing the rest of his weight on her. Then he will suddenly decided her tongue looks good and would like to pluck it out of her mouth, or gouge out her little eye. Once I had baby in the cradle (next to our bed) and he ran up the stairs ahead of me. In about two seconds flat, he had climbed onto our bed and jumped into the cradle with her, almost on top of her head before I swooshed him out. Another time I set her in the cradle while I brushed my teeth. "Blanket! Blanket!" I heard him say and turned around to see him shoving a blanket into and over her face with all his little strength. He has no desire to hurt her, I'm sure, but is just a rough and tumbly little boy. I try to let him hold her and be as close and involved as possible, but I'm really on edge because it wouldn't take much for our powerful, little, Dr. Chuggington to inflict some serious harm. And his getting upset or struggling really breaks my heart.

So, there it is...the good, the bad, and the ugly of my first week as a mother of five. Its beautiful and happy and wonderful and painful and tiring and discouraging. I know we're all going to survive and I know that Lila is already bringing such an amazing, added brightness to all of our lives. But I pray for my other little ones, especially, during this change. Two housing changes--one to another state--two new schools, and now a new baby. They really are amazing little people and I'm so blessed to be their mom. I need to remember to be more patient and to give them more credit! So much love in one house. What a blessing and a miracle.