I've been thinking

I wrote this post two weeks ago but I forgot to publish it.  Here it is.

On Monday I leaned over to pick up Lila to put her in the bath and something made a strange wrenching, pulling, popping kind of sound on the left side of my lower back.  I hurt it.  Went to an amazing Sports medicine place and found out that I twisted a disc and hurt some muscles (psoas...hip flexor...these words were used).  I know so many people who've been plagued with major back problems and pain and needed surgeries and things.  I'll be fine with this.  However, it has put me out of commission this week.  I was completely laid up for the next two days.  I've been getting better slowly but I had the grand idea of going grocery shopping yesterday.  I let the big kids carry the little kids and put all the groceries in the cart and everything, yet I came home feeling like I'd made a huge mistake.  Anyway...that is not what I wanted to write about here.  I want to write about some thoughts I've been having which I've had more time to have lately because I've been lying down doing nothing but read or occasionally set this laptop on me to browse.

But what I've been thinking about is pretty much the same thing I'm always thinking about.  My friend, Jami, recently wrote a blog post and quoted a scripture which has always kind of haunted me.  Its in Jacob, "our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream."  In its context its kind of sad because Jacob is saying they were a very sad and lonesome people and wanderers in a strange land.  But its that statement which always sticks out to me as I often look back and feel like parts of my life have already passed as it were unto me a dream.  Although my mental health is pretty good these days, I do still have quite a lot of anxiety (the worst of it hits at 5am and dissipates usually around 10am).  I often find myself far too consumed with things of no eternal consequence.  So, every day I try to regain my eternal perspective on things.  This life is passing so quickly...

And along those lines, a new friend of mine, who is a very awesome and wise young woman named Rebecca, was giving a Relief Society lesson a few weeks ago.  The lesson wasn't focused on this topic but the topic of the resurrection came up and about how our bodies will be perfected and she said something like, "I think it is so strange that we spend so much of our time and our money trying so hard to stay young when this life is the only time that we have to actually experience these different stages and our bodies being in these different states."  For some reason that hit me more powerfully than anything in a long time.    We have been promised, and I truly believe that at some point after our spirits leave our mortal bodies, they will again be reunited but this time in perfect form--not so much as a "hair of the head shall be lost".  And that is going to be for eternity.  So what's all the fuss about a wrinkly face?  Yes, we should take care of our bodies.  They are a blessing.  But is it possible to even ENJOY the things that we currently perceive as "flaws"?  There are a lot of things that I believe are "flawed" about my body.  I have a lot of cellulite on my legs.  My skin has sores all over.  My face has scars from what I thought was acne but finally figured out was never the bacteria that I fought for decades.  I have no "crowning jewel" of hair upon my head.  I'm starting to get crows feet around my eyes.  My back gives out easily!  And the list goes on...  

My goal since losing my hair has mostly been to quit focusing on my bodily "flaws" at all and to focus more on the spirit inside of me--the true me who has existed for thousands or perhaps millions of years--and to make her more beautiful.  I don't know how successful I've been but that has been my goal.  But this new idea of not just trying to ignore my flaws but to actually appreciate them for this short time that I have them...well...its an idea that I think I like and am going to try to embrace.

As I thought of those things, I was going through the photos on my camera.  I have a new little photographer.  Addie will grab my camera any chance she can to take shots.  I keep some of them.  Most are blurry or not worth saving.  I usually erase all of the ones of me...because...well, they are unflattering and even if I know she's taking the photo I still don't like the way I look.  I see a photo and almost always zoom straight in on my flaws...so I erase them. 

Well, going through my photo card this time, I decided to keep the photos Addie took.  They are me and they show a lot of things that I think maybe my kids will want to see and be able to remember as me, their mom, some day, "flaws" and all.

Here are a few: