Friday, September 19, 2008

I Dreamed You

(you really need to press 'play' and turn up your speakers if you want the proper effect for this post)
Angel Dream (No. 4) - Tom Petty

To put it mildly, our family has been through a lot in the past four years. Regarding children, Chancho and I started to think that our family was complete. We wondered if we should do something to make that decision permanent. Then I had a dream.

First, I have to back up four years. Deedle was just a baby and Chancho and I were doing some of his Family History. I had done some research for a particular ancestor of his from Texas by the name of Sarah. I then had a particularly spiritual experience regarding this dead-but-definitely-not-gone Sarah while I was at the temple. This young woman to whom I'm now connected has a very strong personality and is not afraid to make her wishes known (e.g. don't think that just because her name got put on the wrong color card and it says that she is a male and every body says, "I guess you have to take care of that next week" that she will just be quiet and wait until next week for you to do what she wants done right that very minute).

Anywho, Sarah put it into my mind that I ought to name a daughter after her one day. I even told Chancho this. He just shrugged. When Chancho shrugs at something I say, it means, "Maybe you're right or maybe you're crazy." If he thinks for sure that I'm crazy, he tells me right away. But when he shrugs, I know he's not sure which of the two it is and is planning on waiting awhile before coming to a conclusion. For example, I think, "We have a kid in Haiti." He waits and concludes that I am right. I think, "We have to move to Florida to be closer to Haiti so that I can go there every weekend to teach ESL classes." He waits and concludes that I am crazy.

Now, fast-forward more than four years. I've got three children under the age of six that are living with me and another that is dead-but-still-mine. It feels good. My health is just returning and things are just starting to feel stable again with everything in life. Then I dreamed you.

In my dream I was in a hospital bed in a room very similar to the ones in which I gave birth to Deedle and String Cheese. The dream was very realistic. I was very confused and wondered why I was hugely pregnant and about to give birth. My family was complete, was it not? So why I was I here? I don't remember the labor (I like it when dreams are selective like that), but I remember seeing you once you took your first breath. Suddenly the confusion left me and a rush of relief came to me as I nearly shouted, "Oh, Sarah! It is you!"

In the morning I felt a deep longing in my heart. Where was my Sarah? I told Chancho my dream, expecting him to pass it off as me being an emotional woman (which I certainly do not deny). But he reacted differently. He just shrugged.

I waited. I wanted to see if the feeling would go away. It was just a dream, right? So, why did I feel like a part of me was missing? And if it was true, if you were missing, then how was I supposed to find you? Should we adopt again? Where would we find you? Were you going to be born in Haiti? Should we find you domestically? Or was the dream more literal?

I waited some more. Surely the loneliness for my little Sarah would pass.

Instead it became more intense. I would be at the park and would be trying to locate my children. Once I could see that SC, Deedle and Loumy were safe, I would find myself still looking and would have to catch myself. In the car, I would turn to check and make sure everybody was buckled and would pause because somebody was missing...although 3 were all buckled up safely. Then the dinner table started to not look right.

But I still didn't know the answer.

Then one day about 4 weeks ago I did. I took a bunch of deep breaths and started to shake. I snuggled up next to Chancho and didn't know if I should laugh or cry. He just held me and said, "I think it was meant to be. I think this is a girl and her name is Sarah."

Today I got to see you on the ultrasound. A cute little pinto bean. I saw the rhythmic beating of your heart. "It's strong!" Your Grandpa Guy said. Music to my ears. I can't wait to sing to you this song that Tom Petty wrote for us many years ago:
"I dreamed you, I saw your face...
I saw an angel, I saw my fate
I can only thank God it was not too late
Over mountains I floated away
Across an ocean, I dreamed your name...
Now I'm walking this street on my own
But she's with me everywhere that I go
Yeah, I found an angel, I found my place
I can only thank God it was not too late!"

31 comments:

Lori said...

OH SISTER! I'm so happy for you! Congratulations!

I think it was meant to be as well.

Thank you for another beautiful post

Lori said...

I just IM'd Brent and told him and he says, "Awesome! They make cute babies."

Perla said...

thank you SO much, Lori! you are the best! i hate so bad that it has been such a rough road for your kids to come to you. it really sucks and is not fair at all. but i know that it is how it should be and when the pain of this horrible wait is over you will be able to tell others in your position that it all works out how its supposed to in the end. but thank you SO MUCH for being happy for us! i can't wait to meet your beautiful little ones in just a few more weeks!

Nancy said...

Yes, that was so moving!! I have ALWAYS loved that song but just thought of it generically as finding mike or some sush . . . how much more perfectly it fits your little girl!! Hooray!

juli said...

Thank you for sharing your emotional and touching moments.
Sometimes, there is just another baby waiting whether it's convenient for us or not.
I am excited for you!

Anonymous said...

Shannon I love all of your blogs. They make me laugh and cry. You are my hero and Sarah will be so blessed to have you for her mom.

Jodi Renshaw said...

I am crying. Oh Shannon --- your connections are so strong. You KNOW. And I am so glad that you are open to your KNOWING. Welcome, welcome, welcome, my little pinto bean ... into your Mommy's womb. I can't wait to see your face. Ahhh... I am sighing with such joy. Congratulations to all of you.

On another note, I just had a dream last night (I swear) that Halis brought home 4 children from Haiti ... and as they walked in the door ... they ran to me, hugging me and calling me Madame. Then Halis said, I found our family. I was shocked. There was an infant girl being held by the eldest girl (she was about 9). And there was a younger sister (about 7) and a younger brother (about 5) ... then the baby. I had such mixed feelings. I was immediately unsure that I could raise older children (given my experience with Meaghan)... so I had a pit in my stomach. Bu then the 5 year old boy cuddled me and called me Mom. And my heart melted. But even still, I was unsure. All I KNEW was that the baby girl in the dream was most certainly mine. I reached for her, cuddled her and longed for her. (I am not sure whether you remember this, but I was so sure, for so many years that I was not meant to raise a girl, but still felt as though I had a daughter out in the universe). I held her tight and it felt so right ... but I kept feeling so uneasy about the other children as I watched them explore our home. Where will they all sleep? How can I meet all their needs? Are they arriving with more emotional "baggage" then I can possibly handle? Am I "suppossed" to mother them in order to mother the child that I know is mine? Surely I could grow to love them all, right??? Etc..Etc. And then I woke up. And I smiled. Because even though the dream was so confusing and fraught with mixed emotions, I KNEW that something was in the works :) And that perhaps my fear of raising a girl is beginning to subside.

Anyway --- you and I seem to connect in so many ways --- you are my sister Shannon. I love you. And I am SO glad for your family!

Love,
Jodi

sarah said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! How very exciting, and "Sarah" what a beautiful name!LOL I will pray for a safe and happy pregnancy! When is the due date?

Jana said...

Well my goodness aren't you just so full of shock and wonder and joy for all us readers to enjoy! How is it that you got the gift of being so 'in tune' - and I do believe that is one of your spiritual gifts, really - because it leaves the rest of us looking like a big bunch of punks! Your little pinot bean, whether the Sarah that Sarah intended to come right or not, is surely going to have a lot to tell you about the original Sarah so you better get yourself real tuned up so you can tune in when she (or he) comes. But for the record, I think it will be a she. Because YOU are so very in tune.

Congratulations to you AND Chancho! I am very happy for you. Actually more than happy - I smiled through the whole reading because I was really hoping you would say you were pregnant, so when you were I smiled bigger!

xoxoxo

Mugsy said...

So coool Shan, I am here all teary eyed. I love you so much and will love this new little angel coming down!

Scott & Jennifer said...

SWEET! How fun! Even if it is a boy, may the next will be a girl!

(I'm going to email ya.)

A said...

How blessed this sweet little girl will be to join such a fantastic family. I am so happy for you. It is evident that your faith in God is solid and your love for children is deep. It is truly fitting that He would reward your faithfulness in this way.

Congratulations, well wishes and prayers abound for you!

Heather said...

Oh, Oh, Oh....this changes the Haiti trip now doesn't it? Should I bring barf bags, chocolate, pickles and ice cream! This is wonderful, so very wonderful! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heather

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Richardson Five said...

Congrats Perla! What a really special story.

Nichole said...

Yeahhh a new little being all for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this pregnancy and delivery. I am excited to see a new little Cox all of the other's are so beautiful!!

Kristin said...

Congratulations!! That is so exciting. :-)

Heather D said...

My heart is just so full for you rightnow. I feel so lucky to have a friend who is so in tune with the spirit. I know what a blessing this baby will be for your family, and what a blessing you will be for her. Congratulations and hugs!!!!
Love, Heather

nspency said...

Wow .....what a story. I would have to agree this baby is indeed meant to be! I'm so happy for you guys....what a lucky little baby, to have a family like yours.

jami v. said...

there is nothing better than the blessing of a baby - no matter how they come to a family. congratulations! i'm so excited for you!!!

Anonymous said...

I am crying right now...I am so incredibly happy for you!

Joy said...

You probably don't know, but we adopted our Thomas. I knew it would be a boy we were going to have. I knew it! (I even knew the month he was coming before we were told!!) But for just a brief moment when we were reading our "announcement" letter from our birth-mother, racing through my mind was the thought, "What if she says it's a girl? Of course I'll love her and be so excited, but, it's supposed to be my son!" Then we read my boy was coming and I just shouted, "I KNEW IT!" The Lord has his plan for all of us and one important thing I've learned is we are never in charge, we just need to be ready!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Shan, I just heard the news and I am SO so so very excited for you and my new little cousin!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! We will be praying for you both!!!

Kara said...

That was so beautiful. I love how you can put your feelings and experiences so eloquently. You should write a book! Congrats on being pregnant I hope that you are feeling ok!

Anonymous said...

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Pooka said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am sooo excited for you! I'm flipping out here! That is just wonderful. I KNOW you'll get your little girl.

Sherice said...

Wow, I have the chills. What an incredible experience and story. Thank you for sharing. It is a wonder what Heavenly Father's plan holds for us and our families. It is apparent that this sweet angel was meant to come to your family, and in this way. Sarah is a beautiful name, and sounds like a beautiful spirit. It will be interesting to see if this is indeed your little baby girl Sarah. Keep us posted on how you are feeling and doing. Congratulations to You and Chancho from me and Nic! We are thrilled for your family, that just made my day. :)

P.S. Yes, I think you can just find the Bumbo at Target, Babies R Us, etc. But I would be perfectly happy to lend you mine as well. I think this might be the last time we will be needing it. (unless I have a similar experience) Let me know!!

The Adams Family said...

Oh-my-heck! That is so cool! Congratulations!
T

juli said...

I keep checking back for an update - you have us all hanging!
Is everything alright?

Women Afire said...

That is such an awesome story!!! Love it, love it! Can't wait to see pictures of little Sarah.
-Marz

Welcome! said...

Hmmmmmm is what I say....I love your post and it is touching and beautiful and I want it to be exactly as you dreamt and that is not to say your Sarah won't come but just remember (as i can so aptly tell you thanks to my Muttlins) that sometimes Heavenly Father has a different plan than the plan that seems so perfect for us. I do not know, I know you have a spiritual gift, your Sarah will come but I as you know want her to come from Amanda at Star Fish Orphanage and you as you know once also thought a child would come from China....so.....hmmmmmmm is what I say. Love ya, Big Sistuh