Newborns and Other Stuff...

Last week my nephew wrote a family letter and he talked about how glad he was to be a man because of some of the difficult women he has been dealing with recently. My sister-in-law wrote a response to him on her blog about why she loves to be a woman. Then my niece made a comment about the importance of being a woman and especially being a mother and she asked this question that has really stuck with me. She wondered about how we sometimes talk about the struggles of motherhood and the impressions we are giving to others. She asked, "Are we showing other future mothers around us that we are HAPPY doing this? Do we make it look like something that they should desire with all their hearts? Or do we belittle our role and make it seem like drudgery?"

That really struck me and I've been thinking about it a lot. Sure, there are a lot of things about motherhood and womanhood that are downright hard. But I don't know of anything in life that makes us better, stronger, wiser individuals that doesn't involve a lot of effort and struggling. I am glad for all of the family members and friends I have who know what much of my life is like and allow me the opportunity to vent, validate my feelings, and feel understood. But am I making sure that they and any others around me know that I feel so lucky and immensely blessed to be a woman, a wife, and a mother?

As if in response to this, I had an experience with another niece just a day later. I took Finn with me over to my parents house and met my niece, Allie, there. She is 16 and so beautiful! She is also 100% fiesty. She wanted me to braid her hair for a dance the following day and my sister Meg and a bunch of nieces were meeting to play some games so I thought I could braid and laugh with the gamers at the same time. Here is Allie pictured with my other gorgeous niece, Jasmine.I had Finn in another room in his carseat where he could just sleep and not have germs breathed on him. I asked my sister to check on him and when she came back she said he was sleeping soundly. I then, sarcastically said, "Oh that is perfect. If he sleeps really well now maybe I'll be lucky enough to have him up all night again."

Allie said, "Gosh, you guys make me never want to have a newborn! You make it sound so horrible. I am never going to have a baby, I will just adopt a kid when its like 3 years old."

I was mortified. Of course, not about her wanting to adopt a 3 year old. First of all, Allie is adopted herself. She and two of her siblings were adopted as infants but her youngest sister was adopted at age 3. Adoption of a 3 year old is a fabulous thing but I don't know a single adoptive mother of an older child who wouldn't give their right arm to have had the opportunity to be the one rocking their child as a newborn. What mortified me is that I had just been thinking about how important it was that I make a positive impression on other young women about motherhood and then the next day I say something stupid and my niece says that I make having a newborn sound horrible! I immediately tried to correct her. I know that she knew my comment was a joke. We were doing a lot of joking around the table (mostly at Meg's expense--sorry!). But it upset me that my comment and whatever else the rest of the mothers at the table had said gave Allie the impression that we would rather not have to deal with a newborn.

So, I decided I better write down here for Allie (and those of you still reading) why having a newborn is so super wicked cool sick awesome or whatever else a 16 year old would say to mean THE BEST EVER!!!

Instead of making it general, I will also make this a little journal entry about baby Finn and why having him is the best ever.

Taking care of a newborn can be hard. They depend on you for everything to be able to exist in life. They have to eat and be changed often. They sleep a lot but it is on their time table, not yours. Sometimes you can feel trapped because your life is suddenly so changed and you can't do all of the things you did before. But these things are all for our good. When we are serving others with all of our hearts, we love them. That is a wonderful principle I learned long ago. I believe this is one of the main reasons that babies are born so helpless and needing so much service--to give us the opportunity to give it and grow in love. When you first hold your newborn in your arms, you feel an immense love come to you. But it is amazing that as time goes on you just fall more and more in love with them!

The night before Finn came home I could not sleep. I was so excited--pretty much the same feeling of the night before Christmas mixed in with the night before my wedding--the anticipation of receiving such an exciting gift and also getting to be with somebody that I am madly in love with for the rest of my life. Of course the love I have for my newborn is not the same as I have for my husband, but one day after I was headed up to the hospital after dropping off my other kids to be babysat with my sister Nancy, I suddenly realized, "I am in love with my baby!" The butterflies in my stomach and the excited, anxious, ache in my heart as I drove to the hospital to hold my baby were some of the same feelings I felt when I was dating Chancho and would be driving to his house to see him.

Anyway, I would drift off for a moment, then would wake up again and was pleasantly surprised to feel the same joy still just floating around in my head and my heart as I waited until the hour I could wake up and go get my baby. A newborn brings so much love with it. So recently removed from heaven, Finn just emits a strong energy of love. I can only imagine that the same joy and peace that I feel when I hold my sweet little one on my chest must be what it will feel like to be able to be near my Savior someday. Maybe the Lord allows us to feel this kind of sweet peace to remind us what we are missing and need to get back to.

Finn is so beautiful. I can't stand to be away from him for long. And I realize how quickly this stage goes by now so I am not rushing anything. Look at the difference between cousins Israel (3 months) and Finn (1 month). They didn't weigh the same at birth, but still, they grow SO fast!!!I am so happy just to hold Finn. I am tired when he has a rough night, but its okay. When I fall asleep on my side with him in the crook of my arm, I wake up and look at him and am truly filled with amazement that the Lord gave me such an amazing blessing.

Finn makes the most awesome little sounds. I can count on one hand how many times I have heard him cry. He just doesn't. He didn't like his Hep B shot and cried for a second. He didn't like it when they pulled the tape off his fuzz covered leg before he came home. He just whimpers, grunts or whinnies. Yes, that is whinny, as in the sound a horse makes. We laugh that Finn sounds like a baby horse at times. But he also makes other sounds. Sometimes after a feeding when he is really worn out, he will rest his head back and just breathe with these small little mewing sounds. Or, to explain it better, it sounds like he is softly blowing on a harmonica when he exhales.

I love that he already recognizes my voice and my scent. He will be lying perfectly still next to me and if I move away, he seems to sense a disruption in the force and will begin to squirm in protest.

I love the involuntary movements of little hands and arms and legs. Fingers splayed, he will raise his arm to the sky and just hold it there. He might accidentally poke himself in the eye. If I put my finger in his little palm, he will clutch it. Watching his body develop and move with out him yet knowing how to control it at all is the cutest thing.

I love when Finn stares at me with his deep gray eyes (will they go blue or brown? don't know yet). It is so obvious that the spirit behind these eyes is old and wise, saved thousands of years to come and receive this little tiny body in this day. Sometimes he looks off somewhere with such intensity that I can't help but wonder what or who he is seeing. Sometimes a little voice will say to me, "The veil is so thin for him still, you know he is seeing much more than you can see." He will stare deep into my eyes with complete trust and love as if asking me, "Will you always remember me this way? Will you give me all you promised to give to help me accomplaish my work on this earth? We waited for this moment for millenia. And now we are here. We will do it. You are my mother and I trust you. I have faith in you."

Allie, I am so sorry that I somehow gave you the impression that having a newborn is anything other than an amazing blessing. If, when the time comes, you adopt a 3 year old instead of having a newborn, I will be thrilled. You know how much adoption means to me and how much I support it. But trust me when I tell you that you will mourn the fact that for whatever reason, it did not work out that you got to mother your child as a newborn. It may be all for the best. The Lord has a plan for all of us, for our families, how and when we find each other. But you certainly won't be glad that you missed out on your baby!