Sometimes...

I am pretty adjusted to being a bald woman and feel normal most of the time. It is so hot here in Texas that there is little chance of me ever being physically comfortable enough to ever cover my head, so I am more open here than I've ever been before. Sometimes I don't like that because it is hard o have your privacy when you're a bald woman. Wearing a wig can be nice sometimes when I just don't feel like being stared at or having to answer any questions. But for now the uncomfortableness of looking different is more comfortable than the heat than comes from wearing anything on my head.

Mostly people are just curious. Especially children. Little ones will always stare at me unabashedly. At the pool yesterday a little boy, about four, was staring with huge eyes so I asked, "Have you ever seen a woman with out hair before?" He shook his head no. Then he shrugged up his shoulders and held out his hands, "I just wonder why. ?" I smiled and told him why. "Oh," he smiled. Then swam away. Usually the parents are much more uncomfortable than the kids. Walking through Target a few days ago a dad and son, about 8, were walking towards me. "Be good," I heard the Dad almost seethe at his son, and nudge him, as they approached me. I could tell that the Dad was giving his son a warning not to say anything untoward about me. The son curled his lips shut and just stared as they walked past while the dad smiled and jabbed his son's arm again.

At the pool one evening last week, I was swimming for some exercise, as I am wont to do these days. When I first arrived, I took off my swim dress to get in and a father and daughter from Ethiopia were sitting on some lounge chairs. I heard her say, "Is that a boy?" I laughed and lightheartedly said, "I am a girl. I just have no hair." But the Dad was beside himself. I should have just pretended I didn't hear her. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Of course you are a woman. I am so sorry, " then to the little girl, "Tell this nice woman you are sorry! SAY SORRY! Of course she is a woman! Say sorry to her right now!" I tried to assure him it was quite all right and I knew she was just curious, but he was very upset and even after I swam a few laps, when I paused at their end to readjust my goggles, he made the little one come over to me again to apologize.

Rarely does anybody do or say anything to me that I think is purposefully meant to be mean. But sometimes remarks hurt. At Wal-Mart on Monday a little girl, probably 6 or 7 said loudly, "Mom! Look at her head!" She said it with a really disgusted tone and it did not really feel great to hear.

But sometimes, people really are just mean. I was leaving a store a few days ago and a group of older teenage boys were sitting at a table. One stared at me with a smile/smirk, while he dramatically and slowly dropped his mouth open and nudged a friend to look at me. He then guffawed as they all turned to look at...the freak. At least that is what I felt like. It caught me off guard--in one of those moments where I just felt like a totally normal person, going about her errands. And in just that split second I went from normal and fine to feeling completely vulnerable and exposed. The thought came to me, "Oh. I forgot. I am a freak show." And it stung pretty bad for a little while.

My life is good and blessed and full. I have a happy life. But life has its hard moments. And sometimes I just really miss my hair.