Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

“Because of guys like that we can be families like ours.” (unknown)

Thank you, Dr. King.

Miss Romance Loses a Tooth

String Cheese has always been a romantic. At age 2 she insisted angrily to me, while riding in a cart at Sam's Club, "I am going to get married!" I agreed with her, I said that the majority of people actually do get married at some point and she probably would. But she seemed to feel the need of convincing me in her tiny little voice, almost daring me to try and stop her, "I am getting married! I am!"

She has often surprised me with questions about how you know when you are going to get married, how you know if the boy is the right one, how you go about getting engaged. "How old were you when you knew you wanted to marry Dad?" she asked one day. "25," I said. She just sat there pensively. So, I asked, "Why? Do you think you know who you are going to marry?" She smiled and said, "Yes."
(SC and Brian Joseph, age 3)
Recently romance has come up again for her and she has been expressing herself through the written word and drawings.

So, who is the boy in the pictures? I was able to guess quite quickly. It is still Brian Joseph. She has believed that she will marry him for quite some time now. We rarely see him or his family. They live 1.5 hours from us and the last she saw him was in the summer. They will be moving out of the state next summer and who knows when we will see the family. But the Josephs are our partners with Haitian Roots so I'm sure we will always be in touch and String Cheese has the faith that it will all work out.

(SC and Brian in June 2008 sharing some Chinese food at a swim party at Chareyl's house) Besides romance, the thing that has been on SC's mind recently is one of her top front teeth. After hanging precariously loose for several days, she finally allowed me to pull it out. SC insists that the Tooth Fairy is real, yet she doesn't believe in Santa Claus. Actually, I'm not sure how convinced she is in the fairy, but it makes her happy and I have no desire to take any other magic away that she might allow herself. Before bed she informed me, "I left a note for the Tooth Fairy. I am expecting a response." She looked long and hard at me as if I might have some control over whether or not she received one. I just shrugged.

What a Difference a Day Makes...

Or maybe 5 days. Last week the kids built their first, very-own, snow man. Today it was in the low 50s and they were jumping on the trampoline in bare feet! These photos were honestly taken less than a week apart in the same yard. Crazy!

If You Aren't Broke...

...you should check this out! I mean, you should always donate to Haitian Roots when you are in a donatin' type of mood. Or come up with a cool fundraiser to do for us or something. But if you want to help Haiti in a different way and get something super super cool out of it, too, check out these cards on my friend, Lori's blog. These cards are handmade from banana leaves by women in Haiti, so you are helping them to feed their families and also, the rest of the proceeds go to feed little starving orphans! And by the way, if you are broke like me this time of year, you still aren't broke like Haiti!

Is it a Compliment?

When the guy that comes to deliver your dry wall says to you, "You look good for your age." Is that a compliment? What does he think my "age" is? He seemed to be giving a compliment so I'll just take it that way.

Just Do It

My sister, Nancy, had a couple of great posts (well, they are always great) but these got me to thinking. One was supposed to be very funny in a very very sad way--after taking two of her kids into their new school on a very, very snowy morning, she slipped on the slushy ice and fell down while holding a newborn in a carseat and her toddler in the other arm! And not a soul got out to help her or ask if she was okay or anything. They way she wrote it was funny but it wasn't really funny at all. It made me and her other reader friends wonder about what our reaction would have been and how important small kindnesses can mean to somebody. Nancy then posted a really touching little story that you should all read here.

Anyway, this got me to thinking and reminded me of a goal I made a long time ago--if it appears somebody might need help, just do it. Don't take the time to wonder if they would be embarrassed that you noticed or feel dumb or whatever. Just do it. I guess the exception might be when sometimes I want to stop and pick somebody up on the side of the road and I have to say a prayer and analyze for a moment if that would really be a good choice or not because I have picked up many strangers before and it has always turned out well but I know it could be dangerous. Okay, there might be other exceptions, but in general, don't take the time to decide if you should do something kind, just quickly do it and you will be amazed at how many lives you might touch.

As I rededicated myself to doing this I thought of a kindness that really touched and broke my heart at the same time while in Haiti this past October. We had attended church and were outside the building afterwards. The large gates are usually closed but during services they are open. We started taking some photos and a lot of the kids started crowding around--wanting their picture taken and mostly wanting to look at the digital image afterwards. I noticed a couple of boys on the lawn who had obviously come in through the gates but were obviously not a part of the church goers. By their appearance I could immediately tell that these boys were homeless--two of the thousands and thousands of children who just live on the streets in Haiti. Kelly, who is always good at jumping on an opportunity to perform an act of kindness took out a bag of trail mix she had in her backpack and gave it to one of the boys--knowing that they may not have had anything to eat in days. And then, the real miracle happened. This boy, whose eyes had brightened and was obviously very happy to have received the food, immediately opened up the bag and began passing out handfulls to all of the other children who had crowded greedily around. These children were well dressed and, although still in what we would consider poverty, had everything compared to this street boy. But his first thought, with out hesitation, seemed to be, "I have something precious. I must share it."
Anyway, that is the story. There is a bit more. We had them follow us to our hotel (the guards didn't want to let them in but I suddenly felt like a mother bear and insisted they come in) and we gave them a little money and our hearts broke as they thanked us again and again as I tried to figure out how to say in Kreyol, "put that in your pockets! don't let anybody see it or it will be gone!"

It is so cool to watch and see others kindnesses and their hearts. When I receive a touching donation to Haitian Roots or when somebody does something kind for me or one of my children, I am always overwhelmed nearly to tears, always reminded that whatever darkness there is in this world, there is also love and always hope.

Resolutions Schmezolutions

I have been extra tired lately and just today have started to box up some of my Christmas decorations. I had wonderful holidays. Christmas was great. The kids were so happy. New Years was fine. But I feel a bit down on myself and I'm not sure what all it is. I think part of it is that everybody seems to be making really fine New Year's resolutions and I just lie around and try to be happy that I am continuing to make a baby. That is a big deal, right?

I feel kind of shaky and strange and I think part of it is a flash back. Sometimes my subconscious seems to remember things before I do. I just remembered that it was 3 years ago today that I shaved my head. On Christmas I had a full head of hair. By this day the hair was so sparse that I looked like Gollum and felt it ridiculous to just leave the wisps. So, Chancho went to work and I went into the bathroom and got out the clippers. I remember shaking so bad but thinking, "It's all fine. I'm going to be fine with this." String Cheese came into the bathroom and I don't remember exactly what she said. She was very shocked and I remember trying to be pleasant and not to act strange because it must have all been strange enough anyway and I know that my reaction to something really affects my children's reactions. Loumy and Deedle were only 2 and 1 so they didn't really notice anything, but even just having turned 4, String Cheese was very concerned about what was happening. I received a call from Zhateal inviting String Cheese over to play with her little cousins, so I put on a beanie and headed off with the kids, trying not to think about the last of my hair I had just swept up and put into the garbage can. I don't remember all of her questions, but SC seemed very, very worried.

At one point she said to me, "I don't want Z to see you."
Me: Why not?
SC: Well, just don't tell her about your hair.
Me: Why, honey? (I really wanted to find out what her concerns were...but didn't want to put any words into her mouth. Was she embarrassed of me?)
SC: I am afraid she might laugh at you. And I don't want anybody to laugh at you.
Me: (trying to hold my voice and hands steady) It will be okay, SC, I promise you that Z won't laugh at me. She loves me and she would never laugh at me.

At Z's house, I helped SC out of the car and left the others for a moment to walk her up to the door. Z answered and I told her thanks for letting SC come to play. I guess my shaking gave me away because she looked at me curiously and asked if I was okay. I admitted that I had just shaved my head and Z immediately hugged me and said how sorry she was as I finally let the tears start. I told her what SC had said and Z told her, "I would never laugh or make fun of your Mom, SC, never. I love her."

Anyway, what a blessing it is to have loving family and friends who are so supportive of me. But at this time somewhere inside I feel all the angst and despair of total weakness and vulnerability of that time as I struggled with my sudden change of appearance--unable to even recognize my own reflection--and then a terrifying downward spiral of mental health for over 18 months which often left me wondering if I could really live to see the next day. Thinking about shaving my head and now looking at myself 3 years later with no change in my growth and my body looking a whole lot heavier, I am feeling some of the same feelings creeping up on me. I guess today blogging is my therapy because I need to recognize these feelings, realize they are coming mostly as memories from the past and not what I am truly going through right now. I also need to analyze, again, what I have learned over the past year and put it into practice again.

I just re-read this post that I wrote back in April and I think the only change I am going to focus on for now is the change I talked about in this post (meaning the change in attitude, not necessarily the new wig--but maybe a new wig would help, too. :)) I wrote: "I am working very hard on not ever comparing myself to others physically anymore. It just doesn't work out for anybody, does it? "I wish I were thinner, I wish I had nice skin, and I wish I had my hair back." There. Now that's done. Why dwell on it? I am trying something else on for size: "I was created after Divinity. Everybody is different. I am beautiful." That one is definitely fitting more nicely! Funny how when we think nice things about ourselves, we think less often about ourselves."

So, there you go. My ranting and very strange process of figuring out my resolution schmezolution this year: To quit comparing myself to others (again) and to remember who I truly am. And if I get lots accomplished for Haitian Roots and have a wonderful day with my kids and clean the house and make a nice dinner, well, that is a good day. But if some days the only thing I accomplish is staying alive to continue building a baby in my tummy, then that is okay, too. Because in my heart I believe in myself and I know who I am and I know that the desires of my heart are righteous and that God will judge me according to that, not according to the comparisons I make of my weaknesses versus others strengths.

Now how was that for a strange and random post for you?