I have been extra tired lately and just today have started to box up some of my Christmas decorations. I had wonderful holidays. Christmas was great. The kids were so happy. New Years was fine. But I feel a bit down on myself and I'm not sure what all it is. I think part of it is that everybody seems to be making really fine New Year's resolutions and I just lie around and try to be happy that I am continuing to make a baby. That is a big deal, right?
I feel kind of shaky and strange and I think part of it is a flash back. Sometimes my subconscious seems to remember things before I do. I just remembered that it was 3 years ago today that I shaved my head. On Christmas I had a full head of hair. By this day the hair was so sparse that I looked like Gollum and felt it ridiculous to just leave the wisps. So, Chancho went to work and I went into the bathroom and got out the clippers. I remember shaking so bad but thinking, "It's all fine. I'm going to be fine with this." String Cheese came into the bathroom and I don't remember exactly what she said. She was very shocked and I remember trying to be pleasant and not to act strange because it must have all been strange enough anyway and I know that my reaction to something really affects my children's reactions. Loumy and Deedle were only 2 and 1 so they didn't really notice anything, but even just having turned 4, String Cheese was very concerned about what was happening. I received a call from Zhateal inviting String Cheese over to play with her little cousins, so I put on a beanie and headed off with the kids, trying not to think about the last of my hair I had just swept up and put into the garbage can. I don't remember all of her questions, but SC seemed very, very worried.
At one point she said to me, "I don't want Z to see you."
Me: Why not?
SC: Well, just don't tell her about your hair.
Me: Why, honey? (I really wanted to find out what her concerns were...but didn't want to put any words into her mouth. Was she embarrassed of me?)
SC: I am afraid she might laugh at you. And I don't want anybody to laugh at you.
Me: (trying to hold my voice and hands steady) It will be okay, SC, I promise you that Z won't laugh at me. She loves me and she would never laugh at me.
At Z's house, I helped SC out of the car and left the others for a moment to walk her up to the door. Z answered and I told her thanks for letting SC come to play. I guess my shaking gave me away because she looked at me curiously and asked if I was okay. I admitted that I had just shaved my head and Z immediately hugged me and said how sorry she was as I finally let the tears start. I told her what SC had said and Z told her, "I would never laugh or make fun of your Mom, SC, never. I love her."
Anyway, what a blessing it is to have loving family and friends who are so supportive of me. But at this time somewhere inside I feel all the angst and despair of total weakness and vulnerability of that time as I struggled with my sudden change of appearance--unable to even recognize my own reflection--and then a terrifying downward spiral of mental health for over 18 months which often left me wondering if I could really live to see the next day. Thinking about shaving my head and now looking at myself 3 years later with no change in my growth and my body looking a whole lot heavier, I am feeling some of the same feelings creeping up on me. I guess today blogging is my therapy because I need to recognize these feelings, realize they are coming mostly as memories from the past and not what I am truly going through right now. I also need to analyze, again, what I have learned over the past year and put it into practice again.
I just re-read this post that I wrote back in April and I think the only change I am going to focus on for now is the change I talked about in this post (meaning the change in attitude, not necessarily the new wig--but maybe a new wig would help, too. :)) I wrote: "I am working very hard on not ever comparing myself to others physically anymore. It just doesn't work out for anybody, does it? "I wish I were thinner, I wish I had nice skin, and I wish I had my hair back." There. Now that's done. Why dwell on it? I am trying something else on for size: "I was created after Divinity. Everybody is different. I am beautiful." That one is definitely fitting more nicely! Funny how when we think nice things about ourselves, we think less often about ourselves."
So, there you go. My ranting and very strange process of figuring out my resolution schmezolution this year: To quit comparing myself to others (again) and to remember who I truly am. And if I get lots accomplished for Haitian Roots and have a wonderful day with my kids and clean the house and make a nice dinner, well, that is a good day. But if some days the only thing I accomplish is staying alive to continue building a baby in my tummy, then that is okay, too. Because in my heart I believe in myself and I know who I am and I know that the desires of my heart are righteous and that God will judge me according to that, not according to the comparisons I make of my weaknesses versus others strengths.
Now how was that for a strange and random post for you?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Resolutions Schmezolutions
Posted by Perla at 9:50 PM
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13 comments:
Very nice post sister. I am always so proud of you. Your post made me cry because every time I think about alopecia lately and the looking very real possibility of Goldie having it I just think, "how how how could she ever get to the place where Shan is?? How could I help her get there -- to be like you, having some low days, but mostly truly handling it with grace and hope and beauty?" Because how you handle it seems pretty much impossibly amazing -- and it is that very thing that makes me feel in awe of you and makes me weep lots lately wondering what if . . . and if so how how how can she do it. I love you.
Thank you so much for your honest and raw post -- leaving out all of the "fluff." Simply put, you are astounding and I admire you more than you know. You have GOT to be one of the most beautiful women -- and I know a LOT of people. Hang in there, physically & mentally -- it's a battle, I know, but you seem like a fighter. And when you don't want to fight, just remember there are people like me praying for you.
Can I call you Scrapper? 'Cause you are - thanks for this post. I'm crying into my oatmeal and feeling very humbled. Shine on!
You're posts always make me cry...I think it's because they're always so relateable. You express the feelings that I think almost everyone has or has had. I think I'll make that my resolution too and TRY not to compare myself to anyone but myself. Easier said than done when I have INCREDIBLE friends like you!
I thought I should let you know I passed your blog address on to a family in our ward whose daughter (I think she is around 10 years old) has alopecia. They have been very inspired by you and I just want to let you know I also think you are so strong and brave. I too am trying to deal with resolutions I have dealt with before that I thought I had conquered. It is so frustrating when our ugly weakness return and seem even stronger. I guess I should be grateful for the humility and opportunity to use the atonement to turn them from weaknesses to strengths again.
Friend, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. If I was your neighbor I would call you up and I would come and help you take down that tree and other such decorations so that your house felt new and clean and bright and bigger and that would make you feel at least a little better. And for what it is worth, I think you do more than just a baby every day without your even knowing. I know I have learned and grown so much by just knowing you. Do you know that I still have that email you sent me on Mother's Day sitting in my Inbox. Yes, it is still there and I read it every so often - all the attachments of your journey to Loumy and all and just the other day I did so again and it helped get through my day when I was low. Yes, you build more than you know. Hair Schmair!
I think this was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it.
Shannon you are always an inspiration. You are doing a wonderful much needed job growing your little boy. Try to stay focused on that. You will be in my thoughts throughout the week.
I loved this post and you made me cry! I'm feeling so down lately and stresing about my weight, looks, etc. I need to stop and focus on just being me. My mom just bought a beautiful wig in preparation for her chemo that begins next week. The hair loss is such a huge scary thing for her. I told her that I would shave her head for her but she doesn't want anyone to see her bald. It makes me want to cry for her...I truly admire you Perla. Thank you for helping me to be a better woman and daughter.
Not strange post, not random either. Just really beautiful, just like you!
This was my favorite line:
"Funny how when we think nice things about ourselves, we think less often about ourselves."
That is so true. Happy New Year!
Can I tell you, you hide it well. The insecurities, that is. When we had lunch you seemed full of confidence, just like always! May I tell you I've always been a bit jealous of Perla! I do wish I could have gotten to know you better when I had the chance. I think nothing but greatness of you!
Man what is with making me sob in all these posts? I love you so much and it makes me sad that your not at my front door letting me hug you and remind you that you are the prettiest person in the world.
Love it. It makes us all feel human, because in all honesty I look at you as the strongest, most spiritual, most beautiful(hair or no hair), gracious, giving, inspiritng (and on and on) person I have ever met. Reading your blog I am always so amazed at how you carry yourself, and the amazing way you write, and all of the amazing things you do. I always sit back and wonder how I could make a difference in this world, and you just go out and DO it! You are awesome, and I just love you. I am so glad I found your blog, so I can continue to have your example in my life. I didn't make any resolutions this year. I did set a goal to get running again because it helps me feel better. Another thing I've come to realize is it is human nature to never be completely satisfied with who we are. You just keep working on that beautiful baby in your tummy, and ENJOY it!! It is such a wonderful experience to be a mother. Okay, I'll stop babbling. Just know I think the world of you, and wish you the best for 2009!!
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